Wednesday 27th March - 11.36 am

Just been for break.   Took my oat cakes and banana with me but forgot the tea bag - have started bringing tea bags in to save money - i save 50p just by buying hot water and milk and using my own bag !   I stood at the counter facing raspberry buns, gigantic victoria sandwich ....   My fingers picked up the raspberry bun, but they also put it back down as I know I have £18 in my purse to last me for another week and a bit and there are no more borrowing sources left  ..... so I ordered a cappucino - "would you like chocolate sprinkles?"     what sort of a question is that I thought A CAPPUCINO WITHOUT SPRINKLES ISN'T WORTH HAVING.  

Eat a couple of oat cakes and the craving has passed for cake .... for now anyway

have a big brown corned dog bap for lunch which I have to say i'm looking forward to

also whilst typing this blog this morning I have had some more ideas for images to sketch and stitch.....

wednesday 27th March

Haven't been to college for 6 days but feels much longer.  Didn't want to come this morning as I break up today for 2 weeks and I thought it's only 1 day and it was snowing during my bike ride and I tried soo hard to convince myself to turn back but I arrived....   The reluctance is because I've had 6 days to myself and although I have been out and about, I have also been deep in the food addiction.... I've not ever accepted that the food is a REAL problem - although I know it's a problem and I've been doing something about it - or attempting to - it was on Monday night that I finally accepted that actually I really do have a problem with food and the consequences of this include :

financial unmanageability - I have been borrowing money for weeks from people, had a payday loan, and yesterday had the shame and embarrassment of taking my DSLR camera to Cash Converters to temporarily sell it to them for £50 and then go back when I get paid and buy it back for £66.67; isolation - haven't wanted to be with people, or talk to people on the phone; when i'm in meetings i'm scoffing the biscuits and drinking tea and not being present in the meeting; being with people but not really being there with them; neglecting college work, housework, paying bills, personal hygiene, judging other people (my friends) all the time wanting to avoid looking at myself

So Monday night after a day of scoffing I climbed into bed and surrendered.  I felt beaten and desperate.  So I prayed, begging for help.   I surrendered.

I woke on Tuesday knowing I had to go get some money and was reluctant to get up.   I got my money and did a proper shop buying no crap at all.   I felt like i had a new head on that was in a solution rather than a problem.   I did some college work (sewing) admittedly whilst in front of the tv but I did some.   About 6 pm i started wanting crap food so I had some mandarin oranges and cup peppermint tea.    I started getting ready for the meeting but my lift cancelled at 7 pm so my head was like " oooh what do we do now... I had the next 2 hours planned out and now it's changed so i'll go to the shop and get biscuits or choccies....."   After a few minutes I ran a bath and tried to relax however my head started to go off away from reality.   I finished the evening off in front of the tv watching a couple of programmes, including one about the NHS and following a woman who was having weight loss surgery which was interesting.    The weight loss ward she was on had about 4 very obese women who all thought that having the surgery was going to give them their new life.  I got a bit angry at this and thought them a bit naive - the fact that their eating was so out of control to lead them to this point of having to have surgery surely says they have a problem that is underneath the eating.    Maybe along with the weight loss surgery they do have support for the psychological side of the problem.

Which leads me to this morning.   I had to get up early to go to a friend's house where I'd left my memory stick.  I sooo didn't want to get up but I did and arrived in college and had a big smelly poo - i always remember Dr Gillian and You are what you eat when this happens - she'd analyse peoples' stools and say the smellier they are the more your body is crying out for help.    Anyway, had breakfast - I still felt like I didn't want to put crap into my body so had mushroom and tomatoes on brown toast.   With a cup of tea.   Part way through eating it I felt weird.  It was like "what am i going to do when i'm not eating".    How will I cope with the time - how will i cope with the feelings - what feelings will I get .....   so i did the only thing i could think of and wrote it all down which leads me to this blog entry today

after my last blog entry i felt ashamed of being me and having the feelings i have and the problems i have and my inability to change so i stopped the blog entry part way through.   As I was typing it I thought "you should be able to change, you're weak and pathetic......and anyone reading this will feel the same".   The reality is though when I was 11 years old, "a switch was flicked to off"   and I found the real world scary and retreated into a world of fantasy in which I stayed until I left school.   Even more scared at having to grow up even further and go to work, I went through the motions of doing what I had to do (secretarial training) and got a job.  Whilst at work I was present in the world, when at home, I was in my fantasy world with my food.   When I took a drink at 18 I felt good and then my life went from 18 to 36 full of fear, new experiences, one night stands, good career, money, debt, house, car and a dependence on alcohol.   From 36 to now I have been alcohol free but continued with my fix of food.   I have changed many things since stopping drinking, but all with the crutch of food and now because it's having such a drastic effect on me (negatively) it's time to let it go but OMG what the fuck will I do without it.   It's my constant source of comfort when I feel good, bad, ill, sick, when someone looks at me the wrong way, when I see someone who is clearly not well, when I see children being shouted at, when I have no money, when I have lots of money.    Food has always been there.

It's break time soon and I know I will want to eat biscuits or crisps or something that will give me that aaaah feeling just like the first drink did.   A banana, an apple, an ryvita, a Nairns oatcake.... none of these give me that aaah feeling - i don't want to binge on these foods or eat them in multiples.   My body wants that sugar fix or refined carb fix (white bread, pie, cake, biscuit......).    And why?   Because my brain has been trained and is ready and waiting to receive these things and when my body doesn't receive them messages are sent out along the lines of "where the fuck is my fix".   The more I don't give it that fix the lesser the messages come and eventually they go away..... but they don't stay away because I as a human being need certain things and so far in life at least since the age of 11 I have been getting those things from the wrong sources..... from safe sources..... the very thought of getting these needs met from other human beings is quite frankly terrifying.... and maybe a little exciting.

Wednesday 20th March

Can't believe another few weeks has passed since my last entry.  The long gaps in my entries reflect what's been going on for me...... a lot of PROCRASTINATION..... or that's what it feels like

I rang and spoke to Rita, and she suggested a therapist I used to see whilst in treatment so I have since visited her twice since my last blog entry.    This lady is not just professionally qualified she is personally qualified as she has done the "work" I need to do.    My GP had originally said she would support me with an application for an extra contractual referral which would be a request to the health authority to pay for this therapy however she has now said that due to changes in mental health services  she can only offer me local services.   So it's costing me £30 a session plus a mammoth £7.40 to get there and back on the bus !   I don't know how I'm going to pay for it but I am going to find a way.   Because I want to get well.

I had a visit to the hospital last week to get my rear end checked as I have had episodes of bleeding which shouldn't happen; the GP said last year it was due to a small "haemorrhoid" caused through straining when going to the loo - feel embarrassed typing this  but this is the reality of my chaotic eating.   Anyway, had an implement shoved in my rear end and a couple of haemorrhoids "banded" which involved having as it sounds a couple of bands tied around my haemorrhoids to kill the blood supply to make them drop off.   This was uncomfortable and left me a strange feeling for days afterwards.   Because the inspection wasn't conclusive I am going to have a camera inserted in my rear end to have a look further up.   Really really not looking forward to that.     Now for anyone reading this who has normal eating habits they would probably go home and think I really need to improve my food intake and they would just do it.   But for me and others like me, I still HAD to have that chocolate and those biscuits in the week following my visit to the hospital.  Which is INSANITY.