9th May 10.45 pm

Have today handed in all but one piece of my written work and I feel a bit lost now it's gone!

I haven't posted an entry on the blog since April and that's because things have been improving (that's no excuse not to update it tho)

I have started attending 2 meetings for people with food problems like me - they are 12 step meetings.  I have accepted that I need to be there - I've given up telling myself I can control my food; I just won't buy this or that or the other but I end up buying it.   So I have acceptance over the fact that I have a problem - I've known I have a problem for a long time, but knowing and accepting are two different things.   One is intellectual the other is a feeling.

Have been financially more responsible and have got 2 JOBS !  I went for 2 interviews, and got both so have decided to give them both a go - one's being on "bank" staff i.e. as and when needed, the other I tell them when I can work (that's the theory anyway).   I need money for the summer so the jobs have come at the right time and I suspect that I won't be starting either til after 15th May so I should almost have finished my course work.    My aim is to get some money behind me for the first time in years (infact not since I was 30 and saved up for a deposit for my first house have I had money building up).  

Am I starting to face life as an adult?   Very possibly.   Am I eating 3 meals a day and no feed in between?   Not quite, but it's definitely improved.   There has been a shift in my head and I am 60/50 whether I pick up food to avoid dealing/feeling whereas a couple of months ago I would say it was 80/20.   I am continuing with my counselling which is helping me understand the way I react to life events and it also helping me understand why and this helps me then change my reaction next time.  My negative thinking is being worked on - the default and even subconscious thought process is becoming more positive and i'm noticing the negative self talk and am starting to challenge it. 

I have to keep doing it continuously for it to become normal.  It's like a habit ... a habit is deeply ingrained.  Infact anything we do repeatedly becomes a habit be it a good habit or a bad habit.  My job is to create some new good habits and by repeating the good ones I pray they become deeply ingrained and natural    

Monday 1st April (after 12 noon so not a joke!!)

When I finished college last Wednesday I got home and by Thursday thought oh shit i've got two weeks off now and my routine is gone.   I need routine.   I don't do well without it.   I projected at least a week with no money and no money = no food treats(I had meals in the cupboards and freezer but just no treats....) and also minimal heat in the flat as the gas is gobbling away my cash.....   So I felt sorry for myself for a while before ringing my sponsor and telling her exactly what was happening i.e. having to "sell" my camera, dreading the next two weeks, whilst at the same time desperately wanting to get well.    I came off the phone from her and I had a plan for the following day .... which I stuck to .... and i rang her the next day and made another plan .... which I stuck to and this has been going on for a few days now.    Don't get me wrong, I have places to go and people to see but when I came home last Wednesday I couldn't see any of that I just two weeks of misery. 

I can confirm it hasn't been miserable.  My eating is better although I have still had the "bad stuff" at least once each day.    As each day has gone by, I can feel myself slightly lowering my grip on this fake world of food and living in the real world with the rest of the population.    I know if I keep doing it though day by day it will get easier and there will come a day in the not too distant weeks or months that I will be doing it without effort, just like I did with alcohol.   It won't even enter my head to "get some chocolate before you go home as you need something in the flat".   My aim is to be able be alone with myself without ramming food in.   I am avoiding my feelings.   I'm TERRIFIED how i'm going to feel when I don't ram in the food.  

Today have been testing "sugar art".  I decided last week that for one of my pieces I would use food for the wedding dress image I have created.   So after researching on You Tube last week, I today made some videos of myself melting sugar and creating basket type structures and covering a bottle. 

Wednesday 27th March - 11.36 am

Just been for break.   Took my oat cakes and banana with me but forgot the tea bag - have started bringing tea bags in to save money - i save 50p just by buying hot water and milk and using my own bag !   I stood at the counter facing raspberry buns, gigantic victoria sandwich ....   My fingers picked up the raspberry bun, but they also put it back down as I know I have £18 in my purse to last me for another week and a bit and there are no more borrowing sources left  ..... so I ordered a cappucino - "would you like chocolate sprinkles?"     what sort of a question is that I thought A CAPPUCINO WITHOUT SPRINKLES ISN'T WORTH HAVING.  

Eat a couple of oat cakes and the craving has passed for cake .... for now anyway

have a big brown corned dog bap for lunch which I have to say i'm looking forward to

also whilst typing this blog this morning I have had some more ideas for images to sketch and stitch.....

wednesday 27th March

Haven't been to college for 6 days but feels much longer.  Didn't want to come this morning as I break up today for 2 weeks and I thought it's only 1 day and it was snowing during my bike ride and I tried soo hard to convince myself to turn back but I arrived....   The reluctance is because I've had 6 days to myself and although I have been out and about, I have also been deep in the food addiction.... I've not ever accepted that the food is a REAL problem - although I know it's a problem and I've been doing something about it - or attempting to - it was on Monday night that I finally accepted that actually I really do have a problem with food and the consequences of this include :

financial unmanageability - I have been borrowing money for weeks from people, had a payday loan, and yesterday had the shame and embarrassment of taking my DSLR camera to Cash Converters to temporarily sell it to them for £50 and then go back when I get paid and buy it back for £66.67; isolation - haven't wanted to be with people, or talk to people on the phone; when i'm in meetings i'm scoffing the biscuits and drinking tea and not being present in the meeting; being with people but not really being there with them; neglecting college work, housework, paying bills, personal hygiene, judging other people (my friends) all the time wanting to avoid looking at myself

So Monday night after a day of scoffing I climbed into bed and surrendered.  I felt beaten and desperate.  So I prayed, begging for help.   I surrendered.

I woke on Tuesday knowing I had to go get some money and was reluctant to get up.   I got my money and did a proper shop buying no crap at all.   I felt like i had a new head on that was in a solution rather than a problem.   I did some college work (sewing) admittedly whilst in front of the tv but I did some.   About 6 pm i started wanting crap food so I had some mandarin oranges and cup peppermint tea.    I started getting ready for the meeting but my lift cancelled at 7 pm so my head was like " oooh what do we do now... I had the next 2 hours planned out and now it's changed so i'll go to the shop and get biscuits or choccies....."   After a few minutes I ran a bath and tried to relax however my head started to go off away from reality.   I finished the evening off in front of the tv watching a couple of programmes, including one about the NHS and following a woman who was having weight loss surgery which was interesting.    The weight loss ward she was on had about 4 very obese women who all thought that having the surgery was going to give them their new life.  I got a bit angry at this and thought them a bit naive - the fact that their eating was so out of control to lead them to this point of having to have surgery surely says they have a problem that is underneath the eating.    Maybe along with the weight loss surgery they do have support for the psychological side of the problem.

Which leads me to this morning.   I had to get up early to go to a friend's house where I'd left my memory stick.  I sooo didn't want to get up but I did and arrived in college and had a big smelly poo - i always remember Dr Gillian and You are what you eat when this happens - she'd analyse peoples' stools and say the smellier they are the more your body is crying out for help.    Anyway, had breakfast - I still felt like I didn't want to put crap into my body so had mushroom and tomatoes on brown toast.   With a cup of tea.   Part way through eating it I felt weird.  It was like "what am i going to do when i'm not eating".    How will I cope with the time - how will i cope with the feelings - what feelings will I get .....   so i did the only thing i could think of and wrote it all down which leads me to this blog entry today

after my last blog entry i felt ashamed of being me and having the feelings i have and the problems i have and my inability to change so i stopped the blog entry part way through.   As I was typing it I thought "you should be able to change, you're weak and pathetic......and anyone reading this will feel the same".   The reality is though when I was 11 years old, "a switch was flicked to off"   and I found the real world scary and retreated into a world of fantasy in which I stayed until I left school.   Even more scared at having to grow up even further and go to work, I went through the motions of doing what I had to do (secretarial training) and got a job.  Whilst at work I was present in the world, when at home, I was in my fantasy world with my food.   When I took a drink at 18 I felt good and then my life went from 18 to 36 full of fear, new experiences, one night stands, good career, money, debt, house, car and a dependence on alcohol.   From 36 to now I have been alcohol free but continued with my fix of food.   I have changed many things since stopping drinking, but all with the crutch of food and now because it's having such a drastic effect on me (negatively) it's time to let it go but OMG what the fuck will I do without it.   It's my constant source of comfort when I feel good, bad, ill, sick, when someone looks at me the wrong way, when I see someone who is clearly not well, when I see children being shouted at, when I have no money, when I have lots of money.    Food has always been there.

It's break time soon and I know I will want to eat biscuits or crisps or something that will give me that aaaah feeling just like the first drink did.   A banana, an apple, an ryvita, a Nairns oatcake.... none of these give me that aaah feeling - i don't want to binge on these foods or eat them in multiples.   My body wants that sugar fix or refined carb fix (white bread, pie, cake, biscuit......).    And why?   Because my brain has been trained and is ready and waiting to receive these things and when my body doesn't receive them messages are sent out along the lines of "where the fuck is my fix".   The more I don't give it that fix the lesser the messages come and eventually they go away..... but they don't stay away because I as a human being need certain things and so far in life at least since the age of 11 I have been getting those things from the wrong sources..... from safe sources..... the very thought of getting these needs met from other human beings is quite frankly terrifying.... and maybe a little exciting.

Wednesday 20th March

Can't believe another few weeks has passed since my last entry.  The long gaps in my entries reflect what's been going on for me...... a lot of PROCRASTINATION..... or that's what it feels like

I rang and spoke to Rita, and she suggested a therapist I used to see whilst in treatment so I have since visited her twice since my last blog entry.    This lady is not just professionally qualified she is personally qualified as she has done the "work" I need to do.    My GP had originally said she would support me with an application for an extra contractual referral which would be a request to the health authority to pay for this therapy however she has now said that due to changes in mental health services  she can only offer me local services.   So it's costing me £30 a session plus a mammoth £7.40 to get there and back on the bus !   I don't know how I'm going to pay for it but I am going to find a way.   Because I want to get well.

I had a visit to the hospital last week to get my rear end checked as I have had episodes of bleeding which shouldn't happen; the GP said last year it was due to a small "haemorrhoid" caused through straining when going to the loo - feel embarrassed typing this  but this is the reality of my chaotic eating.   Anyway, had an implement shoved in my rear end and a couple of haemorrhoids "banded" which involved having as it sounds a couple of bands tied around my haemorrhoids to kill the blood supply to make them drop off.   This was uncomfortable and left me a strange feeling for days afterwards.   Because the inspection wasn't conclusive I am going to have a camera inserted in my rear end to have a look further up.   Really really not looking forward to that.     Now for anyone reading this who has normal eating habits they would probably go home and think I really need to improve my food intake and they would just do it.   But for me and others like me, I still HAD to have that chocolate and those biscuits in the week following my visit to the hospital.  Which is INSANITY.

Wednesday 27th February

nearly 2 weeks since last entry.   Have had half term from college and I had a few days with family.   Food has gone to pot.   I'm overloaded with sugar.   My mood is low.   My get up and go is nearly gone    and all I want to do it eat.  I've had an easter egg fest even though Easter is not yet here.   They were only a £ - i've had four so far.

Feel like i've definately eaten my way back up to what I was prior to last visit to the dietician.    What would Derby Dennis say "what are you going to do about it"?    I made the decision that I need to see the therapist again as I've realised that I need help again.   I am using food to stuff down how I feel about anything and everything and part of me (the frightened part) wants to keep on doing it because I don't know what will happen if I don't have food any more to keep me safe and comfortable - another part (the sensible part) is saying "you can change this".

Scooby snacks in the night were 2 biscuit visits.  I woke up this morning wanting to finish off the packet but didn't.  Instead my eyes caught sight of the ingredients and I thought oooh nothing nutritious in there.   A small glimmer of hope - my head is returning to healthier ways....  alas an hour at college and i've scoffed packet of crisps and feel like I've done nothing, am not good enough COMPARED to everyone else.    Feel pathetic.    Need to ring therapist and get appointment - it's going to be expensive tho and with money very tight not sure I can afford it.  I have put in a request to GP for an extra contractual referral but that will probably take weeks and the GP said it's unlikely it will be successful.

So what can I do today?   Finish this class.  Ring Rita.  Ring then Pam depending on the outcome of conversation with Rita.  Go to class pm.  Go home.  Try to cook healthy tea.   Don't buy anything on way home.   Ring sponsor.    Remember if I go to bed sober it will be a good day.   Because that's my bottom line.   Stop beating self up and do the best I can today.

14th February (valentines day)

So  a week has gone by since my last entry.   I went to see the dietician last Friday and she advised me i'd lost 6lbs - i nearly fell of the chair.   I was lying in bed at 9 am before my 9.30 appointment thinking "there's no point in going, i won't have lost anything".   Then I thought I will go and be honest with her and tell her I'm conflicted between what she is getting me to do and the OA programme.  

I arrived and it was a different dietician so I told her the truth.   We had a good chat.   She then weighed me and it was then I thought ooooh what if i hadn't have gone.... I know I would've stayed in bed, and then no doubt pigged out at some point during the day thinking that there was now no point in being "good".   

She also measured my waist and I'd lost 4 inches !   Part of me thought it was because i'd been ill - but i hadn't starved myself during that period of illness but I do know I had cut down on the "bad" stuff and had become more conscious of what I was cooking for myself i.e. was i have a complete carb meal i.e. oven chips and beans .... I had started to put veg on my plate regularly and become conscious of how big my portions were i.e. was the plate heavily loaded with spuds but only a small portion of veg.    So it looks like these small changes have started to make a difference.  I had also changed my cereal to shredded wheat and muesili because neither of these I want to snack on whereas my bran flakes I would happily have a bowl of these to snack on.    And yes, you might think well there are worse things to snack on but if i'm doing it every day ....... 

Anyway, Friday was a good day for food.   Saturday and Sunday were also ok but I did start to pick up the chocolate bars again.   Sunday was feeling emotionally alone and empty and wondering what the feck am I doing with my life.    Satrted to feel like i'd gone back to feeling like I was when drinking but without the drink.    Monday had Cindy for her week long stay and was a bit anxious about it - think it was just my state of my mind this week.....because it's been fine. 

Thinking about it now, I did have 3 ready meals last week which i don't normally do.  2 of them included white rice.   Monday spent most of the day on the settee with walks in between to let Cindy pee.   Felt pretty alone to be honest.   Tuesday came and I was up early walking Cindy.   Then went  to Post Office to collect parcel and there's a shop a few doors down that does cut price sweets, chocolate, biscuits..... I told myself I didn't need to go in but found myself in there before I knew it.   I picked up a bar of chocolate, plain crisps and box of poppets and a brown loaf !    Came home and bid on a cooker on an auction site.   Within 10 minutes of arriving home I had eaten the crisps and 2 chocolate snacks.  That first chunk of chocolate OMG!   it was heaven.    I didn't chew some of poppets just chobbled off the chocolate and swallowed!   After bidding on the cooker, I realised it didn't have a door on it ! so had to contact the auction house.   Anyway, later on I went to the shop again with Cindy in tow, tied her up and went in and got a cornish pastie, 2 bars chocolate, packet of Snaps and 3 magazines.   Came home, sat my arse on the settee (again) and scoffed the pastie, then the Snaps,, then the chocolate.   Whilst eating the pastie I did think to myself "don't eat this" but I did.    I couldn't apply the brakes.    I did give Cindy the final piece though.  

Wednesday morning, up and walked Cindy round the block for her pee stop.   Came home, showered, had breakfast and got dressed.  Then took Cindy out for a longer trot round the block before I was going to college.   En route, my stomach started churning and by the time I was about 200 yards from the flat, I was praying and walking slowly.   Too late though, I got the key in the door, trousers undone and then bang, my arse exploded and I shat myself.   It was loose and my pants were covered, my trousers, the toilet and the toilet cover on the floor got a bit as well.   I couldn't believe it.    I didn't go into college; instead I curled up on the settee with water bottle and blanket and dozed for the morning.    Insanity kicked in though as about 11.30 am I eat my lunch which I had cooked for college!   What sane person would shit themselves and then eat 3 hours later..  Would you?   

Anyway, felt weary all day.   My body (or more specifically my bowel) was trying to tell me something.   Felt very low in mood and eventually spoke to my AA sponsor and had a good chat.  

Today, Thursday I felt better on waking.   Cindy had elevated herself to sharing my bed and not giving me much room.   We were up early though and walked but with no exploding bottom today.   Went into college though and eat a bar of chocolate (before 9 am).    Break time had a packet of crisps.   Lunch time (2.00 pm) had egg sarnie.   Break time 3 pm had packet maltesers, and a malteser bunny (they were 2 for a quid - it was a bargain how could I resist).  I scoffed the packet of maltesers and they last 30 seconds if that.   So started on the bunny and that was a bit sweet for me but I still eat it.  Felt very full after that.  

Came home to a waggy blond tail and walked Cindy for an hour.   She was like a puppy today - bounding around and running after the ball and padding and licking the puddles!   It was nice.   She deserved a good walk after being on her own all day.   Did feel guilty about that - reminded me of when I used to work and had Eric and Edwina.   I was riddled with guilt all day when I left them and I know now from having Cindy this week that I wouldn't want a dog in this flat without a garden.  

For tea had jacket potato and half tin of new beans mixed 5 beans in tommy sauce.   Was ok but didn't set my taste buds alight.   Nothing else so far and have PJs on so don't intend going out for anything.

What occurred to me after speaking to my sponsor last night is that since I was told I'd lost 6lbs, gradually I started to ruin it for myself (alcoholISM - i self me, i sabotage me...) or was it just that the first bar of chocolate set me off on a binge like one drink did.   If so, do I never eat chocolate again? Or am I pre menstrual ?  I'm overdue i know that but my periods have gone to pot, as the GP keeps reminding me, they'll only go one way now. 

In a nutshell, I need to keep talking to my sponsor, work my programme.   Go through my self esteem book as I've had serious low esteem last few weeks comparing myself to others and feeling like people don't want me around so......