nearly 2 weeks since last entry. Have had half term from college and I had a few days with family. Food has gone to pot. I'm overloaded with sugar. My mood is low. My get up and go is nearly gone and all I want to do it eat. I've had an easter egg fest even though Easter is not yet here. They were only a £ - i've had four so far.
Feel like i've definately eaten my way back up to what I was prior to last visit to the dietician. What would Derby Dennis say "what are you going to do about it"? I made the decision that I need to see the therapist again as I've realised that I need help again. I am using food to stuff down how I feel about anything and everything and part of me (the frightened part) wants to keep on doing it because I don't know what will happen if I don't have food any more to keep me safe and comfortable - another part (the sensible part) is saying "you can change this".
Scooby snacks in the night were 2 biscuit visits. I woke up this morning wanting to finish off the packet but didn't. Instead my eyes caught sight of the ingredients and I thought oooh nothing nutritious in there. A small glimmer of hope - my head is returning to healthier ways.... alas an hour at college and i've scoffed packet of crisps and feel like I've done nothing, am not good enough COMPARED to everyone else. Feel pathetic. Need to ring therapist and get appointment - it's going to be expensive tho and with money very tight not sure I can afford it. I have put in a request to GP for an extra contractual referral but that will probably take weeks and the GP said it's unlikely it will be successful.
So what can I do today? Finish this class. Ring Rita. Ring then Pam depending on the outcome of conversation with Rita. Go to class pm. Go home. Try to cook healthy tea. Don't buy anything on way home. Ring sponsor. Remember if I go to bed sober it will be a good day. Because that's my bottom line. Stop beating self up and do the best I can today.
Wednesday, 27 February 2013
Thursday, 14 February 2013
14th February (valentines day)
So a week has gone by since my last entry. I went to see the dietician last Friday and she advised me i'd lost 6lbs - i nearly fell of the chair. I was lying in bed at 9 am before my 9.30 appointment thinking "there's no point in going, i won't have lost anything". Then I thought I will go and be honest with her and tell her I'm conflicted between what she is getting me to do and the OA programme.
I arrived and it was a different dietician so I told her the truth. We had a good chat. She then weighed me and it was then I thought ooooh what if i hadn't have gone.... I know I would've stayed in bed, and then no doubt pigged out at some point during the day thinking that there was now no point in being "good".
She also measured my waist and I'd lost 4 inches ! Part of me thought it was because i'd been ill - but i hadn't starved myself during that period of illness but I do know I had cut down on the "bad" stuff and had become more conscious of what I was cooking for myself i.e. was i have a complete carb meal i.e. oven chips and beans .... I had started to put veg on my plate regularly and become conscious of how big my portions were i.e. was the plate heavily loaded with spuds but only a small portion of veg. So it looks like these small changes have started to make a difference. I had also changed my cereal to shredded wheat and muesili because neither of these I want to snack on whereas my bran flakes I would happily have a bowl of these to snack on. And yes, you might think well there are worse things to snack on but if i'm doing it every day .......
Anyway, Friday was a good day for food. Saturday and Sunday were also ok but I did start to pick up the chocolate bars again. Sunday was feeling emotionally alone and empty and wondering what the feck am I doing with my life. Satrted to feel like i'd gone back to feeling like I was when drinking but without the drink. Monday had Cindy for her week long stay and was a bit anxious about it - think it was just my state of my mind this week.....because it's been fine.
Thinking about it now, I did have 3 ready meals last week which i don't normally do. 2 of them included white rice. Monday spent most of the day on the settee with walks in between to let Cindy pee. Felt pretty alone to be honest. Tuesday came and I was up early walking Cindy. Then went to Post Office to collect parcel and there's a shop a few doors down that does cut price sweets, chocolate, biscuits..... I told myself I didn't need to go in but found myself in there before I knew it. I picked up a bar of chocolate, plain crisps and box of poppets and a brown loaf ! Came home and bid on a cooker on an auction site. Within 10 minutes of arriving home I had eaten the crisps and 2 chocolate snacks. That first chunk of chocolate OMG! it was heaven. I didn't chew some of poppets just chobbled off the chocolate and swallowed! After bidding on the cooker, I realised it didn't have a door on it ! so had to contact the auction house. Anyway, later on I went to the shop again with Cindy in tow, tied her up and went in and got a cornish pastie, 2 bars chocolate, packet of Snaps and 3 magazines. Came home, sat my arse on the settee (again) and scoffed the pastie, then the Snaps,, then the chocolate. Whilst eating the pastie I did think to myself "don't eat this" but I did. I couldn't apply the brakes. I did give Cindy the final piece though.
Wednesday morning, up and walked Cindy round the block for her pee stop. Came home, showered, had breakfast and got dressed. Then took Cindy out for a longer trot round the block before I was going to college. En route, my stomach started churning and by the time I was about 200 yards from the flat, I was praying and walking slowly. Too late though, I got the key in the door, trousers undone and then bang, my arse exploded and I shat myself. It was loose and my pants were covered, my trousers, the toilet and the toilet cover on the floor got a bit as well. I couldn't believe it. I didn't go into college; instead I curled up on the settee with water bottle and blanket and dozed for the morning. Insanity kicked in though as about 11.30 am I eat my lunch which I had cooked for college! What sane person would shit themselves and then eat 3 hours later.. Would you?
Anyway, felt weary all day. My body (or more specifically my bowel) was trying to tell me something. Felt very low in mood and eventually spoke to my AA sponsor and had a good chat.
Today, Thursday I felt better on waking. Cindy had elevated herself to sharing my bed and not giving me much room. We were up early though and walked but with no exploding bottom today. Went into college though and eat a bar of chocolate (before 9 am). Break time had a packet of crisps. Lunch time (2.00 pm) had egg sarnie. Break time 3 pm had packet maltesers, and a malteser bunny (they were 2 for a quid - it was a bargain how could I resist). I scoffed the packet of maltesers and they last 30 seconds if that. So started on the bunny and that was a bit sweet for me but I still eat it. Felt very full after that.
Came home to a waggy blond tail and walked Cindy for an hour. She was like a puppy today - bounding around and running after the ball and padding and licking the puddles! It was nice. She deserved a good walk after being on her own all day. Did feel guilty about that - reminded me of when I used to work and had Eric and Edwina. I was riddled with guilt all day when I left them and I know now from having Cindy this week that I wouldn't want a dog in this flat without a garden.
For tea had jacket potato and half tin of new beans mixed 5 beans in tommy sauce. Was ok but didn't set my taste buds alight. Nothing else so far and have PJs on so don't intend going out for anything.
What occurred to me after speaking to my sponsor last night is that since I was told I'd lost 6lbs, gradually I started to ruin it for myself (alcoholISM - i self me, i sabotage me...) or was it just that the first bar of chocolate set me off on a binge like one drink did. If so, do I never eat chocolate again? Or am I pre menstrual ? I'm overdue i know that but my periods have gone to pot, as the GP keeps reminding me, they'll only go one way now.
In a nutshell, I need to keep talking to my sponsor, work my programme. Go through my self esteem book as I've had serious low esteem last few weeks comparing myself to others and feeling like people don't want me around so......
I arrived and it was a different dietician so I told her the truth. We had a good chat. She then weighed me and it was then I thought ooooh what if i hadn't have gone.... I know I would've stayed in bed, and then no doubt pigged out at some point during the day thinking that there was now no point in being "good".
She also measured my waist and I'd lost 4 inches ! Part of me thought it was because i'd been ill - but i hadn't starved myself during that period of illness but I do know I had cut down on the "bad" stuff and had become more conscious of what I was cooking for myself i.e. was i have a complete carb meal i.e. oven chips and beans .... I had started to put veg on my plate regularly and become conscious of how big my portions were i.e. was the plate heavily loaded with spuds but only a small portion of veg. So it looks like these small changes have started to make a difference. I had also changed my cereal to shredded wheat and muesili because neither of these I want to snack on whereas my bran flakes I would happily have a bowl of these to snack on. And yes, you might think well there are worse things to snack on but if i'm doing it every day .......
Anyway, Friday was a good day for food. Saturday and Sunday were also ok but I did start to pick up the chocolate bars again. Sunday was feeling emotionally alone and empty and wondering what the feck am I doing with my life. Satrted to feel like i'd gone back to feeling like I was when drinking but without the drink. Monday had Cindy for her week long stay and was a bit anxious about it - think it was just my state of my mind this week.....because it's been fine.
Thinking about it now, I did have 3 ready meals last week which i don't normally do. 2 of them included white rice. Monday spent most of the day on the settee with walks in between to let Cindy pee. Felt pretty alone to be honest. Tuesday came and I was up early walking Cindy. Then went to Post Office to collect parcel and there's a shop a few doors down that does cut price sweets, chocolate, biscuits..... I told myself I didn't need to go in but found myself in there before I knew it. I picked up a bar of chocolate, plain crisps and box of poppets and a brown loaf ! Came home and bid on a cooker on an auction site. Within 10 minutes of arriving home I had eaten the crisps and 2 chocolate snacks. That first chunk of chocolate OMG! it was heaven. I didn't chew some of poppets just chobbled off the chocolate and swallowed! After bidding on the cooker, I realised it didn't have a door on it ! so had to contact the auction house. Anyway, later on I went to the shop again with Cindy in tow, tied her up and went in and got a cornish pastie, 2 bars chocolate, packet of Snaps and 3 magazines. Came home, sat my arse on the settee (again) and scoffed the pastie, then the Snaps,, then the chocolate. Whilst eating the pastie I did think to myself "don't eat this" but I did. I couldn't apply the brakes. I did give Cindy the final piece though.
Wednesday morning, up and walked Cindy round the block for her pee stop. Came home, showered, had breakfast and got dressed. Then took Cindy out for a longer trot round the block before I was going to college. En route, my stomach started churning and by the time I was about 200 yards from the flat, I was praying and walking slowly. Too late though, I got the key in the door, trousers undone and then bang, my arse exploded and I shat myself. It was loose and my pants were covered, my trousers, the toilet and the toilet cover on the floor got a bit as well. I couldn't believe it. I didn't go into college; instead I curled up on the settee with water bottle and blanket and dozed for the morning. Insanity kicked in though as about 11.30 am I eat my lunch which I had cooked for college! What sane person would shit themselves and then eat 3 hours later.. Would you?
Anyway, felt weary all day. My body (or more specifically my bowel) was trying to tell me something. Felt very low in mood and eventually spoke to my AA sponsor and had a good chat.
Today, Thursday I felt better on waking. Cindy had elevated herself to sharing my bed and not giving me much room. We were up early though and walked but with no exploding bottom today. Went into college though and eat a bar of chocolate (before 9 am). Break time had a packet of crisps. Lunch time (2.00 pm) had egg sarnie. Break time 3 pm had packet maltesers, and a malteser bunny (they were 2 for a quid - it was a bargain how could I resist). I scoffed the packet of maltesers and they last 30 seconds if that. So started on the bunny and that was a bit sweet for me but I still eat it. Felt very full after that.
Came home to a waggy blond tail and walked Cindy for an hour. She was like a puppy today - bounding around and running after the ball and padding and licking the puddles! It was nice. She deserved a good walk after being on her own all day. Did feel guilty about that - reminded me of when I used to work and had Eric and Edwina. I was riddled with guilt all day when I left them and I know now from having Cindy this week that I wouldn't want a dog in this flat without a garden.
For tea had jacket potato and half tin of new beans mixed 5 beans in tommy sauce. Was ok but didn't set my taste buds alight. Nothing else so far and have PJs on so don't intend going out for anything.
What occurred to me after speaking to my sponsor last night is that since I was told I'd lost 6lbs, gradually I started to ruin it for myself (alcoholISM - i self me, i sabotage me...) or was it just that the first bar of chocolate set me off on a binge like one drink did. If so, do I never eat chocolate again? Or am I pre menstrual ? I'm overdue i know that but my periods have gone to pot, as the GP keeps reminding me, they'll only go one way now.
In a nutshell, I need to keep talking to my sponsor, work my programme. Go through my self esteem book as I've had serious low esteem last few weeks comparing myself to others and feeling like people don't want me around so......
Thursday, 7 February 2013
7th February 2013
It's been a week or so since my last update. I have been physically unwell (flu) and lost my appetite (bliss in one way!). I think I was actually hungry last week for the first time in a long time as I rarely go without food for more than a few hours. I started to think .... ooh this is a great start to me eating healthier. So on Monday I went out for lunch and had bacon buttie and then soup for tea. Not so healthy I agree but that would normally be followed by sweet stuff. Tuesday I again had a lovelly brown baguette with chicken, salad and no sweet stuff. All is well. I felt good. I did have a nagging feeling in my tummy area though and I just didn't know what it was. It wasn't hunger as I'd just eaten. About an hour after eating this lovelly healthy lunch with a decaf capucino, I said to my friend she could drop me at her house and I'd walk to the shop before I went home. It's snowing so I thought I'll get a magazine and snuggle up. My pattern I know is to get magazine(s) and something tasty and veg on the settee. And so I did. I bought a large bar of chocolate (the ones currently £1). I had a couple of squares and just didn't really get my usual pleasure. Did that deter me from scoffing the rest - absolutely NOT. I had another couple of squares and eat until it tasted like it usually does.
So what's going on? I was enjoying eating healthier for a few days. I got into and WORE a pair of trousers that I bought last year but that we were too tight on the waist. I FELT GOOD. But I continued to have this feeling in my stomach and it was there even when I'd just eaten or not long after. So, I eat healthy yesterday (had a hot pork roast dinner at college as I knew I was going out when I got home). Delicious. I didn't follow it up with anything sweet as I didn't feel I needed it.
I was though at this stage feeling uncomfortable and slightly paranoid about being in the company of a couple of people who i'd convinced myself didn't want me to sit with them during breaks...... What would an adult do in this situation I said to myself? I could ask them if I've done anything to offend them or I could just ask before I join them saying "do you mind if I join you". But no, I let it play on my mind, become independent at lunch time, avoiding sitting with them and then after college, go to M&S on the premise of getting a salad and after looking at the salad move swiftly to the bakery and pick up 3 reduced price scones, 1 lemon muffin and lemon tart (reduced) and some sushi (reduced). My no refined carbs is up the swanny and I tell myself I've had a hot lunch so one scone and jam will be fine for tea ! I just wanted the sugar but was still trying to tell myself to eat healthy. So I eat said scone with strawberry jam and then the muffin which was sickly sweet, followed by the reduced sushi. I then went off to my group only to find it wasn't on so asked my friend to stop off at the chip shop ........... I didn't enjoy the chips and even nearly said to my friend don't stop just keep going but the words stayed in my mouth. Had an uneventful night on the sofa doing a bit of homework, feeling not good for what i'd eaten.
I was thinking whilst sat in front of the TV last night - i'm having all this time to myself to be creative yet i'm sitting myself night after night in front of the box. WHY? Why am I so reluctant to start making things? What am I frightened off? Am I just lazy? Unmotivated? I don't know. But I do know I climbed back into bed this morning after turning off alarm number 2 knowing FULL WELL IT WOULDN'T BE A GOOD IDEA and then woke at 8.25 am. Starts my day off badly, without breakfast, missing the bus and feeling crap. Why am I not going on my bike to college? It's too cold. I spent a whole winter cycling to college last year so why am I so delicate this year????
So what's going on? I was enjoying eating healthier for a few days. I got into and WORE a pair of trousers that I bought last year but that we were too tight on the waist. I FELT GOOD. But I continued to have this feeling in my stomach and it was there even when I'd just eaten or not long after. So, I eat healthy yesterday (had a hot pork roast dinner at college as I knew I was going out when I got home). Delicious. I didn't follow it up with anything sweet as I didn't feel I needed it.
I was though at this stage feeling uncomfortable and slightly paranoid about being in the company of a couple of people who i'd convinced myself didn't want me to sit with them during breaks...... What would an adult do in this situation I said to myself? I could ask them if I've done anything to offend them or I could just ask before I join them saying "do you mind if I join you". But no, I let it play on my mind, become independent at lunch time, avoiding sitting with them and then after college, go to M&S on the premise of getting a salad and after looking at the salad move swiftly to the bakery and pick up 3 reduced price scones, 1 lemon muffin and lemon tart (reduced) and some sushi (reduced). My no refined carbs is up the swanny and I tell myself I've had a hot lunch so one scone and jam will be fine for tea ! I just wanted the sugar but was still trying to tell myself to eat healthy. So I eat said scone with strawberry jam and then the muffin which was sickly sweet, followed by the reduced sushi. I then went off to my group only to find it wasn't on so asked my friend to stop off at the chip shop ........... I didn't enjoy the chips and even nearly said to my friend don't stop just keep going but the words stayed in my mouth. Had an uneventful night on the sofa doing a bit of homework, feeling not good for what i'd eaten.
I was thinking whilst sat in front of the TV last night - i'm having all this time to myself to be creative yet i'm sitting myself night after night in front of the box. WHY? Why am I so reluctant to start making things? What am I frightened off? Am I just lazy? Unmotivated? I don't know. But I do know I climbed back into bed this morning after turning off alarm number 2 knowing FULL WELL IT WOULDN'T BE A GOOD IDEA and then woke at 8.25 am. Starts my day off badly, without breakfast, missing the bus and feeling crap. Why am I not going on my bike to college? It's too cold. I spent a whole winter cycling to college last year so why am I so delicate this year????
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