Have today handed in all but one piece of my written work and I feel a bit lost now it's gone!
I haven't posted an entry on the blog since April and that's because things have been improving (that's no excuse not to update it tho)
I have started attending 2 meetings for people with food problems like me - they are 12 step meetings. I have accepted that I need to be there - I've given up telling myself I can control my food; I just won't buy this or that or the other but I end up buying it. So I have acceptance over the fact that I have a problem - I've known I have a problem for a long time, but knowing and accepting are two different things. One is intellectual the other is a feeling.
Have been financially more responsible and have got 2 JOBS ! I went for 2 interviews, and got both so have decided to give them both a go - one's being on "bank" staff i.e. as and when needed, the other I tell them when I can work (that's the theory anyway). I need money for the summer so the jobs have come at the right time and I suspect that I won't be starting either til after 15th May so I should almost have finished my course work. My aim is to get some money behind me for the first time in years (infact not since I was 30 and saved up for a deposit for my first house have I had money building up).
Am I starting to face life as an adult? Very possibly. Am I eating 3 meals a day and no feed in between? Not quite, but it's definitely improved. There has been a shift in my head and I am 60/50 whether I pick up food to avoid dealing/feeling whereas a couple of months ago I would say it was 80/20. I am continuing with my counselling which is helping me understand the way I react to life events and it also helping me understand why and this helps me then change my reaction next time. My negative thinking is being worked on - the default and even subconscious thought process is becoming more positive and i'm noticing the negative self talk and am starting to challenge it.
I have to keep doing it continuously for it to become normal. It's like a habit ... a habit is deeply ingrained. Infact anything we do repeatedly becomes a habit be it a good habit or a bad habit. My job is to create some new good habits and by repeating the good ones I pray they become deeply ingrained and natural
Thursday, 9 May 2013
Monday, 1 April 2013
Monday 1st April (after 12 noon so not a joke!!)
When I finished college last Wednesday I got home and by Thursday thought oh shit i've got two weeks off now and my routine is gone. I need routine. I don't do well without it. I projected at least a week with no money and no money = no food treats(I had meals in the cupboards and freezer but just no treats....) and also minimal heat in the flat as the gas is gobbling away my cash..... So I felt sorry for myself for a while before ringing my sponsor and telling her exactly what was happening i.e. having to "sell" my camera, dreading the next two weeks, whilst at the same time desperately wanting to get well. I came off the phone from her and I had a plan for the following day .... which I stuck to .... and i rang her the next day and made another plan .... which I stuck to and this has been going on for a few days now. Don't get me wrong, I have places to go and people to see but when I came home last Wednesday I couldn't see any of that I just two weeks of misery.
I can confirm it hasn't been miserable. My eating is better although I have still had the "bad stuff" at least once each day. As each day has gone by, I can feel myself slightly lowering my grip on this fake world of food and living in the real world with the rest of the population. I know if I keep doing it though day by day it will get easier and there will come a day in the not too distant weeks or months that I will be doing it without effort, just like I did with alcohol. It won't even enter my head to "get some chocolate before you go home as you need something in the flat". My aim is to be able be alone with myself without ramming food in. I am avoiding my feelings. I'm TERRIFIED how i'm going to feel when I don't ram in the food.
Today have been testing "sugar art". I decided last week that for one of my pieces I would use food for the wedding dress image I have created. So after researching on You Tube last week, I today made some videos of myself melting sugar and creating basket type structures and covering a bottle.
I can confirm it hasn't been miserable. My eating is better although I have still had the "bad stuff" at least once each day. As each day has gone by, I can feel myself slightly lowering my grip on this fake world of food and living in the real world with the rest of the population. I know if I keep doing it though day by day it will get easier and there will come a day in the not too distant weeks or months that I will be doing it without effort, just like I did with alcohol. It won't even enter my head to "get some chocolate before you go home as you need something in the flat". My aim is to be able be alone with myself without ramming food in. I am avoiding my feelings. I'm TERRIFIED how i'm going to feel when I don't ram in the food.
Today have been testing "sugar art". I decided last week that for one of my pieces I would use food for the wedding dress image I have created. So after researching on You Tube last week, I today made some videos of myself melting sugar and creating basket type structures and covering a bottle.
Wednesday, 27 March 2013
Wednesday 27th March - 11.36 am
Just been for break. Took my oat cakes and banana with me but forgot the tea bag - have started bringing tea bags in to save money - i save 50p just by buying hot water and milk and using my own bag ! I stood at the counter facing raspberry buns, gigantic victoria sandwich .... My fingers picked up the raspberry bun, but they also put it back down as I know I have £18 in my purse to last me for another week and a bit and there are no more borrowing sources left ..... so I ordered a cappucino - "would you like chocolate sprinkles?" what sort of a question is that I thought A CAPPUCINO WITHOUT SPRINKLES ISN'T WORTH HAVING.
Eat a couple of oat cakes and the craving has passed for cake .... for now anyway
have a big brown corned dog bap for lunch which I have to say i'm looking forward to
also whilst typing this blog this morning I have had some more ideas for images to sketch and stitch.....
Eat a couple of oat cakes and the craving has passed for cake .... for now anyway
have a big brown corned dog bap for lunch which I have to say i'm looking forward to
also whilst typing this blog this morning I have had some more ideas for images to sketch and stitch.....
wednesday 27th March
Haven't been to college for 6 days but feels much longer. Didn't want to come this morning as I break up today for 2 weeks and I thought it's only 1 day and it was snowing during my bike ride and I tried soo hard to convince myself to turn back but I arrived.... The reluctance is because I've had 6 days to myself and although I have been out and about, I have also been deep in the food addiction.... I've not ever accepted that the food is a REAL problem - although I know it's a problem and I've been doing something about it - or attempting to - it was on Monday night that I finally accepted that actually I really do have a problem with food and the consequences of this include :
financial unmanageability - I have been borrowing money for weeks from people, had a payday loan, and yesterday had the shame and embarrassment of taking my DSLR camera to Cash Converters to temporarily sell it to them for £50 and then go back when I get paid and buy it back for £66.67; isolation - haven't wanted to be with people, or talk to people on the phone; when i'm in meetings i'm scoffing the biscuits and drinking tea and not being present in the meeting; being with people but not really being there with them; neglecting college work, housework, paying bills, personal hygiene, judging other people (my friends) all the time wanting to avoid looking at myself
So Monday night after a day of scoffing I climbed into bed and surrendered. I felt beaten and desperate. So I prayed, begging for help. I surrendered.
I woke on Tuesday knowing I had to go get some money and was reluctant to get up. I got my money and did a proper shop buying no crap at all. I felt like i had a new head on that was in a solution rather than a problem. I did some college work (sewing) admittedly whilst in front of the tv but I did some. About 6 pm i started wanting crap food so I had some mandarin oranges and cup peppermint tea. I started getting ready for the meeting but my lift cancelled at 7 pm so my head was like " oooh what do we do now... I had the next 2 hours planned out and now it's changed so i'll go to the shop and get biscuits or choccies....." After a few minutes I ran a bath and tried to relax however my head started to go off away from reality. I finished the evening off in front of the tv watching a couple of programmes, including one about the NHS and following a woman who was having weight loss surgery which was interesting. The weight loss ward she was on had about 4 very obese women who all thought that having the surgery was going to give them their new life. I got a bit angry at this and thought them a bit naive - the fact that their eating was so out of control to lead them to this point of having to have surgery surely says they have a problem that is underneath the eating. Maybe along with the weight loss surgery they do have support for the psychological side of the problem.
Which leads me to this morning. I had to get up early to go to a friend's house where I'd left my memory stick. I sooo didn't want to get up but I did and arrived in college and had a big smelly poo - i always remember Dr Gillian and You are what you eat when this happens - she'd analyse peoples' stools and say the smellier they are the more your body is crying out for help. Anyway, had breakfast - I still felt like I didn't want to put crap into my body so had mushroom and tomatoes on brown toast. With a cup of tea. Part way through eating it I felt weird. It was like "what am i going to do when i'm not eating". How will I cope with the time - how will i cope with the feelings - what feelings will I get ..... so i did the only thing i could think of and wrote it all down which leads me to this blog entry today
after my last blog entry i felt ashamed of being me and having the feelings i have and the problems i have and my inability to change so i stopped the blog entry part way through. As I was typing it I thought "you should be able to change, you're weak and pathetic......and anyone reading this will feel the same". The reality is though when I was 11 years old, "a switch was flicked to off" and I found the real world scary and retreated into a world of fantasy in which I stayed until I left school. Even more scared at having to grow up even further and go to work, I went through the motions of doing what I had to do (secretarial training) and got a job. Whilst at work I was present in the world, when at home, I was in my fantasy world with my food. When I took a drink at 18 I felt good and then my life went from 18 to 36 full of fear, new experiences, one night stands, good career, money, debt, house, car and a dependence on alcohol. From 36 to now I have been alcohol free but continued with my fix of food. I have changed many things since stopping drinking, but all with the crutch of food and now because it's having such a drastic effect on me (negatively) it's time to let it go but OMG what the fuck will I do without it. It's my constant source of comfort when I feel good, bad, ill, sick, when someone looks at me the wrong way, when I see someone who is clearly not well, when I see children being shouted at, when I have no money, when I have lots of money. Food has always been there.
It's break time soon and I know I will want to eat biscuits or crisps or something that will give me that aaaah feeling just like the first drink did. A banana, an apple, an ryvita, a Nairns oatcake.... none of these give me that aaah feeling - i don't want to binge on these foods or eat them in multiples. My body wants that sugar fix or refined carb fix (white bread, pie, cake, biscuit......). And why? Because my brain has been trained and is ready and waiting to receive these things and when my body doesn't receive them messages are sent out along the lines of "where the fuck is my fix". The more I don't give it that fix the lesser the messages come and eventually they go away..... but they don't stay away because I as a human being need certain things and so far in life at least since the age of 11 I have been getting those things from the wrong sources..... from safe sources..... the very thought of getting these needs met from other human beings is quite frankly terrifying.... and maybe a little exciting.
Wednesday 20th March
Can't believe another few weeks has passed since my last entry. The long gaps in my entries reflect what's been going on for me...... a lot of PROCRASTINATION..... or that's what it feels like
I rang and spoke to Rita, and she suggested a therapist I used to see whilst in treatment so I have since visited her twice since my last blog entry. This lady is not just professionally qualified she is personally qualified as she has done the "work" I need to do. My GP had originally said she would support me with an application for an extra contractual referral which would be a request to the health authority to pay for this therapy however she has now said that due to changes in mental health services she can only offer me local services. So it's costing me £30 a session plus a mammoth £7.40 to get there and back on the bus ! I don't know how I'm going to pay for it but I am going to find a way. Because I want to get well.
I had a visit to the hospital last week to get my rear end checked as I have had episodes of bleeding which shouldn't happen; the GP said last year it was due to a small "haemorrhoid" caused through straining when going to the loo - feel embarrassed typing this but this is the reality of my chaotic eating. Anyway, had an implement shoved in my rear end and a couple of haemorrhoids "banded" which involved having as it sounds a couple of bands tied around my haemorrhoids to kill the blood supply to make them drop off. This was uncomfortable and left me a strange feeling for days afterwards. Because the inspection wasn't conclusive I am going to have a camera inserted in my rear end to have a look further up. Really really not looking forward to that. Now for anyone reading this who has normal eating habits they would probably go home and think I really need to improve my food intake and they would just do it. But for me and others like me, I still HAD to have that chocolate and those biscuits in the week following my visit to the hospital. Which is INSANITY.
I rang and spoke to Rita, and she suggested a therapist I used to see whilst in treatment so I have since visited her twice since my last blog entry. This lady is not just professionally qualified she is personally qualified as she has done the "work" I need to do. My GP had originally said she would support me with an application for an extra contractual referral which would be a request to the health authority to pay for this therapy however she has now said that due to changes in mental health services she can only offer me local services. So it's costing me £30 a session plus a mammoth £7.40 to get there and back on the bus ! I don't know how I'm going to pay for it but I am going to find a way. Because I want to get well.
I had a visit to the hospital last week to get my rear end checked as I have had episodes of bleeding which shouldn't happen; the GP said last year it was due to a small "haemorrhoid" caused through straining when going to the loo - feel embarrassed typing this but this is the reality of my chaotic eating. Anyway, had an implement shoved in my rear end and a couple of haemorrhoids "banded" which involved having as it sounds a couple of bands tied around my haemorrhoids to kill the blood supply to make them drop off. This was uncomfortable and left me a strange feeling for days afterwards. Because the inspection wasn't conclusive I am going to have a camera inserted in my rear end to have a look further up. Really really not looking forward to that. Now for anyone reading this who has normal eating habits they would probably go home and think I really need to improve my food intake and they would just do it. But for me and others like me, I still HAD to have that chocolate and those biscuits in the week following my visit to the hospital. Which is INSANITY.
Wednesday, 27 February 2013
Wednesday 27th February
nearly 2 weeks since last entry. Have had half term from college and I had a few days with family. Food has gone to pot. I'm overloaded with sugar. My mood is low. My get up and go is nearly gone and all I want to do it eat. I've had an easter egg fest even though Easter is not yet here. They were only a £ - i've had four so far.
Feel like i've definately eaten my way back up to what I was prior to last visit to the dietician. What would Derby Dennis say "what are you going to do about it"? I made the decision that I need to see the therapist again as I've realised that I need help again. I am using food to stuff down how I feel about anything and everything and part of me (the frightened part) wants to keep on doing it because I don't know what will happen if I don't have food any more to keep me safe and comfortable - another part (the sensible part) is saying "you can change this".
Scooby snacks in the night were 2 biscuit visits. I woke up this morning wanting to finish off the packet but didn't. Instead my eyes caught sight of the ingredients and I thought oooh nothing nutritious in there. A small glimmer of hope - my head is returning to healthier ways.... alas an hour at college and i've scoffed packet of crisps and feel like I've done nothing, am not good enough COMPARED to everyone else. Feel pathetic. Need to ring therapist and get appointment - it's going to be expensive tho and with money very tight not sure I can afford it. I have put in a request to GP for an extra contractual referral but that will probably take weeks and the GP said it's unlikely it will be successful.
So what can I do today? Finish this class. Ring Rita. Ring then Pam depending on the outcome of conversation with Rita. Go to class pm. Go home. Try to cook healthy tea. Don't buy anything on way home. Ring sponsor. Remember if I go to bed sober it will be a good day. Because that's my bottom line. Stop beating self up and do the best I can today.
Feel like i've definately eaten my way back up to what I was prior to last visit to the dietician. What would Derby Dennis say "what are you going to do about it"? I made the decision that I need to see the therapist again as I've realised that I need help again. I am using food to stuff down how I feel about anything and everything and part of me (the frightened part) wants to keep on doing it because I don't know what will happen if I don't have food any more to keep me safe and comfortable - another part (the sensible part) is saying "you can change this".
Scooby snacks in the night were 2 biscuit visits. I woke up this morning wanting to finish off the packet but didn't. Instead my eyes caught sight of the ingredients and I thought oooh nothing nutritious in there. A small glimmer of hope - my head is returning to healthier ways.... alas an hour at college and i've scoffed packet of crisps and feel like I've done nothing, am not good enough COMPARED to everyone else. Feel pathetic. Need to ring therapist and get appointment - it's going to be expensive tho and with money very tight not sure I can afford it. I have put in a request to GP for an extra contractual referral but that will probably take weeks and the GP said it's unlikely it will be successful.
So what can I do today? Finish this class. Ring Rita. Ring then Pam depending on the outcome of conversation with Rita. Go to class pm. Go home. Try to cook healthy tea. Don't buy anything on way home. Ring sponsor. Remember if I go to bed sober it will be a good day. Because that's my bottom line. Stop beating self up and do the best I can today.
Thursday, 14 February 2013
14th February (valentines day)
So a week has gone by since my last entry. I went to see the dietician last Friday and she advised me i'd lost 6lbs - i nearly fell of the chair. I was lying in bed at 9 am before my 9.30 appointment thinking "there's no point in going, i won't have lost anything". Then I thought I will go and be honest with her and tell her I'm conflicted between what she is getting me to do and the OA programme.
I arrived and it was a different dietician so I told her the truth. We had a good chat. She then weighed me and it was then I thought ooooh what if i hadn't have gone.... I know I would've stayed in bed, and then no doubt pigged out at some point during the day thinking that there was now no point in being "good".
She also measured my waist and I'd lost 4 inches ! Part of me thought it was because i'd been ill - but i hadn't starved myself during that period of illness but I do know I had cut down on the "bad" stuff and had become more conscious of what I was cooking for myself i.e. was i have a complete carb meal i.e. oven chips and beans .... I had started to put veg on my plate regularly and become conscious of how big my portions were i.e. was the plate heavily loaded with spuds but only a small portion of veg. So it looks like these small changes have started to make a difference. I had also changed my cereal to shredded wheat and muesili because neither of these I want to snack on whereas my bran flakes I would happily have a bowl of these to snack on. And yes, you might think well there are worse things to snack on but if i'm doing it every day .......
Anyway, Friday was a good day for food. Saturday and Sunday were also ok but I did start to pick up the chocolate bars again. Sunday was feeling emotionally alone and empty and wondering what the feck am I doing with my life. Satrted to feel like i'd gone back to feeling like I was when drinking but without the drink. Monday had Cindy for her week long stay and was a bit anxious about it - think it was just my state of my mind this week.....because it's been fine.
Thinking about it now, I did have 3 ready meals last week which i don't normally do. 2 of them included white rice. Monday spent most of the day on the settee with walks in between to let Cindy pee. Felt pretty alone to be honest. Tuesday came and I was up early walking Cindy. Then went to Post Office to collect parcel and there's a shop a few doors down that does cut price sweets, chocolate, biscuits..... I told myself I didn't need to go in but found myself in there before I knew it. I picked up a bar of chocolate, plain crisps and box of poppets and a brown loaf ! Came home and bid on a cooker on an auction site. Within 10 minutes of arriving home I had eaten the crisps and 2 chocolate snacks. That first chunk of chocolate OMG! it was heaven. I didn't chew some of poppets just chobbled off the chocolate and swallowed! After bidding on the cooker, I realised it didn't have a door on it ! so had to contact the auction house. Anyway, later on I went to the shop again with Cindy in tow, tied her up and went in and got a cornish pastie, 2 bars chocolate, packet of Snaps and 3 magazines. Came home, sat my arse on the settee (again) and scoffed the pastie, then the Snaps,, then the chocolate. Whilst eating the pastie I did think to myself "don't eat this" but I did. I couldn't apply the brakes. I did give Cindy the final piece though.
Wednesday morning, up and walked Cindy round the block for her pee stop. Came home, showered, had breakfast and got dressed. Then took Cindy out for a longer trot round the block before I was going to college. En route, my stomach started churning and by the time I was about 200 yards from the flat, I was praying and walking slowly. Too late though, I got the key in the door, trousers undone and then bang, my arse exploded and I shat myself. It was loose and my pants were covered, my trousers, the toilet and the toilet cover on the floor got a bit as well. I couldn't believe it. I didn't go into college; instead I curled up on the settee with water bottle and blanket and dozed for the morning. Insanity kicked in though as about 11.30 am I eat my lunch which I had cooked for college! What sane person would shit themselves and then eat 3 hours later.. Would you?
Anyway, felt weary all day. My body (or more specifically my bowel) was trying to tell me something. Felt very low in mood and eventually spoke to my AA sponsor and had a good chat.
Today, Thursday I felt better on waking. Cindy had elevated herself to sharing my bed and not giving me much room. We were up early though and walked but with no exploding bottom today. Went into college though and eat a bar of chocolate (before 9 am). Break time had a packet of crisps. Lunch time (2.00 pm) had egg sarnie. Break time 3 pm had packet maltesers, and a malteser bunny (they were 2 for a quid - it was a bargain how could I resist). I scoffed the packet of maltesers and they last 30 seconds if that. So started on the bunny and that was a bit sweet for me but I still eat it. Felt very full after that.
Came home to a waggy blond tail and walked Cindy for an hour. She was like a puppy today - bounding around and running after the ball and padding and licking the puddles! It was nice. She deserved a good walk after being on her own all day. Did feel guilty about that - reminded me of when I used to work and had Eric and Edwina. I was riddled with guilt all day when I left them and I know now from having Cindy this week that I wouldn't want a dog in this flat without a garden.
For tea had jacket potato and half tin of new beans mixed 5 beans in tommy sauce. Was ok but didn't set my taste buds alight. Nothing else so far and have PJs on so don't intend going out for anything.
What occurred to me after speaking to my sponsor last night is that since I was told I'd lost 6lbs, gradually I started to ruin it for myself (alcoholISM - i self me, i sabotage me...) or was it just that the first bar of chocolate set me off on a binge like one drink did. If so, do I never eat chocolate again? Or am I pre menstrual ? I'm overdue i know that but my periods have gone to pot, as the GP keeps reminding me, they'll only go one way now.
In a nutshell, I need to keep talking to my sponsor, work my programme. Go through my self esteem book as I've had serious low esteem last few weeks comparing myself to others and feeling like people don't want me around so......
I arrived and it was a different dietician so I told her the truth. We had a good chat. She then weighed me and it was then I thought ooooh what if i hadn't have gone.... I know I would've stayed in bed, and then no doubt pigged out at some point during the day thinking that there was now no point in being "good".
She also measured my waist and I'd lost 4 inches ! Part of me thought it was because i'd been ill - but i hadn't starved myself during that period of illness but I do know I had cut down on the "bad" stuff and had become more conscious of what I was cooking for myself i.e. was i have a complete carb meal i.e. oven chips and beans .... I had started to put veg on my plate regularly and become conscious of how big my portions were i.e. was the plate heavily loaded with spuds but only a small portion of veg. So it looks like these small changes have started to make a difference. I had also changed my cereal to shredded wheat and muesili because neither of these I want to snack on whereas my bran flakes I would happily have a bowl of these to snack on. And yes, you might think well there are worse things to snack on but if i'm doing it every day .......
Anyway, Friday was a good day for food. Saturday and Sunday were also ok but I did start to pick up the chocolate bars again. Sunday was feeling emotionally alone and empty and wondering what the feck am I doing with my life. Satrted to feel like i'd gone back to feeling like I was when drinking but without the drink. Monday had Cindy for her week long stay and was a bit anxious about it - think it was just my state of my mind this week.....because it's been fine.
Thinking about it now, I did have 3 ready meals last week which i don't normally do. 2 of them included white rice. Monday spent most of the day on the settee with walks in between to let Cindy pee. Felt pretty alone to be honest. Tuesday came and I was up early walking Cindy. Then went to Post Office to collect parcel and there's a shop a few doors down that does cut price sweets, chocolate, biscuits..... I told myself I didn't need to go in but found myself in there before I knew it. I picked up a bar of chocolate, plain crisps and box of poppets and a brown loaf ! Came home and bid on a cooker on an auction site. Within 10 minutes of arriving home I had eaten the crisps and 2 chocolate snacks. That first chunk of chocolate OMG! it was heaven. I didn't chew some of poppets just chobbled off the chocolate and swallowed! After bidding on the cooker, I realised it didn't have a door on it ! so had to contact the auction house. Anyway, later on I went to the shop again with Cindy in tow, tied her up and went in and got a cornish pastie, 2 bars chocolate, packet of Snaps and 3 magazines. Came home, sat my arse on the settee (again) and scoffed the pastie, then the Snaps,, then the chocolate. Whilst eating the pastie I did think to myself "don't eat this" but I did. I couldn't apply the brakes. I did give Cindy the final piece though.
Wednesday morning, up and walked Cindy round the block for her pee stop. Came home, showered, had breakfast and got dressed. Then took Cindy out for a longer trot round the block before I was going to college. En route, my stomach started churning and by the time I was about 200 yards from the flat, I was praying and walking slowly. Too late though, I got the key in the door, trousers undone and then bang, my arse exploded and I shat myself. It was loose and my pants were covered, my trousers, the toilet and the toilet cover on the floor got a bit as well. I couldn't believe it. I didn't go into college; instead I curled up on the settee with water bottle and blanket and dozed for the morning. Insanity kicked in though as about 11.30 am I eat my lunch which I had cooked for college! What sane person would shit themselves and then eat 3 hours later.. Would you?
Anyway, felt weary all day. My body (or more specifically my bowel) was trying to tell me something. Felt very low in mood and eventually spoke to my AA sponsor and had a good chat.
Today, Thursday I felt better on waking. Cindy had elevated herself to sharing my bed and not giving me much room. We were up early though and walked but with no exploding bottom today. Went into college though and eat a bar of chocolate (before 9 am). Break time had a packet of crisps. Lunch time (2.00 pm) had egg sarnie. Break time 3 pm had packet maltesers, and a malteser bunny (they were 2 for a quid - it was a bargain how could I resist). I scoffed the packet of maltesers and they last 30 seconds if that. So started on the bunny and that was a bit sweet for me but I still eat it. Felt very full after that.
Came home to a waggy blond tail and walked Cindy for an hour. She was like a puppy today - bounding around and running after the ball and padding and licking the puddles! It was nice. She deserved a good walk after being on her own all day. Did feel guilty about that - reminded me of when I used to work and had Eric and Edwina. I was riddled with guilt all day when I left them and I know now from having Cindy this week that I wouldn't want a dog in this flat without a garden.
For tea had jacket potato and half tin of new beans mixed 5 beans in tommy sauce. Was ok but didn't set my taste buds alight. Nothing else so far and have PJs on so don't intend going out for anything.
What occurred to me after speaking to my sponsor last night is that since I was told I'd lost 6lbs, gradually I started to ruin it for myself (alcoholISM - i self me, i sabotage me...) or was it just that the first bar of chocolate set me off on a binge like one drink did. If so, do I never eat chocolate again? Or am I pre menstrual ? I'm overdue i know that but my periods have gone to pot, as the GP keeps reminding me, they'll only go one way now.
In a nutshell, I need to keep talking to my sponsor, work my programme. Go through my self esteem book as I've had serious low esteem last few weeks comparing myself to others and feeling like people don't want me around so......
Thursday, 7 February 2013
7th February 2013
It's been a week or so since my last update. I have been physically unwell (flu) and lost my appetite (bliss in one way!). I think I was actually hungry last week for the first time in a long time as I rarely go without food for more than a few hours. I started to think .... ooh this is a great start to me eating healthier. So on Monday I went out for lunch and had bacon buttie and then soup for tea. Not so healthy I agree but that would normally be followed by sweet stuff. Tuesday I again had a lovelly brown baguette with chicken, salad and no sweet stuff. All is well. I felt good. I did have a nagging feeling in my tummy area though and I just didn't know what it was. It wasn't hunger as I'd just eaten. About an hour after eating this lovelly healthy lunch with a decaf capucino, I said to my friend she could drop me at her house and I'd walk to the shop before I went home. It's snowing so I thought I'll get a magazine and snuggle up. My pattern I know is to get magazine(s) and something tasty and veg on the settee. And so I did. I bought a large bar of chocolate (the ones currently £1). I had a couple of squares and just didn't really get my usual pleasure. Did that deter me from scoffing the rest - absolutely NOT. I had another couple of squares and eat until it tasted like it usually does.
So what's going on? I was enjoying eating healthier for a few days. I got into and WORE a pair of trousers that I bought last year but that we were too tight on the waist. I FELT GOOD. But I continued to have this feeling in my stomach and it was there even when I'd just eaten or not long after. So, I eat healthy yesterday (had a hot pork roast dinner at college as I knew I was going out when I got home). Delicious. I didn't follow it up with anything sweet as I didn't feel I needed it.
I was though at this stage feeling uncomfortable and slightly paranoid about being in the company of a couple of people who i'd convinced myself didn't want me to sit with them during breaks...... What would an adult do in this situation I said to myself? I could ask them if I've done anything to offend them or I could just ask before I join them saying "do you mind if I join you". But no, I let it play on my mind, become independent at lunch time, avoiding sitting with them and then after college, go to M&S on the premise of getting a salad and after looking at the salad move swiftly to the bakery and pick up 3 reduced price scones, 1 lemon muffin and lemon tart (reduced) and some sushi (reduced). My no refined carbs is up the swanny and I tell myself I've had a hot lunch so one scone and jam will be fine for tea ! I just wanted the sugar but was still trying to tell myself to eat healthy. So I eat said scone with strawberry jam and then the muffin which was sickly sweet, followed by the reduced sushi. I then went off to my group only to find it wasn't on so asked my friend to stop off at the chip shop ........... I didn't enjoy the chips and even nearly said to my friend don't stop just keep going but the words stayed in my mouth. Had an uneventful night on the sofa doing a bit of homework, feeling not good for what i'd eaten.
I was thinking whilst sat in front of the TV last night - i'm having all this time to myself to be creative yet i'm sitting myself night after night in front of the box. WHY? Why am I so reluctant to start making things? What am I frightened off? Am I just lazy? Unmotivated? I don't know. But I do know I climbed back into bed this morning after turning off alarm number 2 knowing FULL WELL IT WOULDN'T BE A GOOD IDEA and then woke at 8.25 am. Starts my day off badly, without breakfast, missing the bus and feeling crap. Why am I not going on my bike to college? It's too cold. I spent a whole winter cycling to college last year so why am I so delicate this year????
So what's going on? I was enjoying eating healthier for a few days. I got into and WORE a pair of trousers that I bought last year but that we were too tight on the waist. I FELT GOOD. But I continued to have this feeling in my stomach and it was there even when I'd just eaten or not long after. So, I eat healthy yesterday (had a hot pork roast dinner at college as I knew I was going out when I got home). Delicious. I didn't follow it up with anything sweet as I didn't feel I needed it.
I was though at this stage feeling uncomfortable and slightly paranoid about being in the company of a couple of people who i'd convinced myself didn't want me to sit with them during breaks...... What would an adult do in this situation I said to myself? I could ask them if I've done anything to offend them or I could just ask before I join them saying "do you mind if I join you". But no, I let it play on my mind, become independent at lunch time, avoiding sitting with them and then after college, go to M&S on the premise of getting a salad and after looking at the salad move swiftly to the bakery and pick up 3 reduced price scones, 1 lemon muffin and lemon tart (reduced) and some sushi (reduced). My no refined carbs is up the swanny and I tell myself I've had a hot lunch so one scone and jam will be fine for tea ! I just wanted the sugar but was still trying to tell myself to eat healthy. So I eat said scone with strawberry jam and then the muffin which was sickly sweet, followed by the reduced sushi. I then went off to my group only to find it wasn't on so asked my friend to stop off at the chip shop ........... I didn't enjoy the chips and even nearly said to my friend don't stop just keep going but the words stayed in my mouth. Had an uneventful night on the sofa doing a bit of homework, feeling not good for what i'd eaten.
I was thinking whilst sat in front of the TV last night - i'm having all this time to myself to be creative yet i'm sitting myself night after night in front of the box. WHY? Why am I so reluctant to start making things? What am I frightened off? Am I just lazy? Unmotivated? I don't know. But I do know I climbed back into bed this morning after turning off alarm number 2 knowing FULL WELL IT WOULDN'T BE A GOOD IDEA and then woke at 8.25 am. Starts my day off badly, without breakfast, missing the bus and feeling crap. Why am I not going on my bike to college? It's too cold. I spent a whole winter cycling to college last year so why am I so delicate this year????
Thursday, 31 January 2013
Thursday 31st January
Been physically poorly last few days with a throat/chest bug so have lost my appetite a bit (a blessing?). That hasn't stopped me thinking about getting dressed and going out into the cold and stocking up on some chocolate or cake. Left college bit early yesterday as felt worse as the day went on and have been popping paracetamol every 4 hours to keep the discomfort away (I don't do physical illness).
Head is very negative and according to my head no one likes me, people avoid me and it's not good for me being alone with this sort of head so I need to ring someone and chat it through. To be fair, I have tried to speak to someone but she was out so I need to try again.
I wrote up my journal yesterday and have been thinking about this project. Why am I doing it? Am I hiding behind this because I can't create anything original other than my personal crap? To be fair I am very knowledgeable in this area.
Head is very negative and according to my head no one likes me, people avoid me and it's not good for me being alone with this sort of head so I need to ring someone and chat it through. To be fair, I have tried to speak to someone but she was out so I need to try again.
I wrote up my journal yesterday and have been thinking about this project. Why am I doing it? Am I hiding behind this because I can't create anything original other than my personal crap? To be fair I am very knowledgeable in this area.
Tuesday, 29 January 2013
Tuesday 29th January
Woke up this mornng and my first thought was the biscuits that I had left in the packet. Not a good start. I ate a good 3 meals yesterday but I threw in a packet of chocolate biscuits. As my hand went to reach for them on the shelf my head way saying "i need something to comfort me". I also knew that it was a bad idea though because I would not be able to stop after a couple. I started with 5 and a cup of tea (dunking). Then I stopped and was on/off the computer all night and popping in/out living room to watch the box but kept veering to the kitchen for another 2, and another 2. Didn't brush my teeth before going to bed and didn't do my step 10. I'm well "in the food" at the minute and I want out. I'm tired. Feel awful today. Body is craving and wants me to put something soothing in. I have 2 further meals planned today. Had shredded weight for brekkie and have home made soup and bread for lunch. For tea, got a friend round so having jacket spud, cheese and tuna and bit of stir fry veg. She is bring a pudding and she stated a healthy one so.....
Talked to a lady in London this morning who like myself is an alcoholic and a compulsive eater (in recovery from both for 30 years alcohol and 15 food). She seems to make contact just when I need it. What she said this morning makes sense and it's such a relief to know I'm not a weak willed greedy fat pig who is choosing this battle every day. As I type those last words, part of me is saying well you are choosing it and in a way I am because the pain of changing is unthinkable. Just like it was with alcohol I can't imagine a life where I don't eat chocolate, or biscuits or the odd pie or white french stick. That's it really. I can live with eating brown rice, brown pasta, brown bread. That's cemented and working. Yes, I'd like to eat a white bagette or garlic bread but again, life without them is bearable. But the thought of cake, chocolate or biscuits never passing my lips again is unthinkable. THAT SAID, today, I am going to have my remaining two meals and pudding whatever my friend brings. So JUST FOR TODAY I can do without those things.
I'm going to make a cake shortly for someone's birthday, so the remaining biscuits will crushed and melted into that cake. Then, once again I have no crap to eat in the house. Only nutritous stuff. Melon, bananas, natural yoghurt, almonds..... none of which I fancy bingeing on ! (funnily enough) that said I did chomp through a good bit of melon last night.
I have been doing more research the last few days, contacting people I know and looking at sugar and the effects on the brain. I have doubted again whether I'm doing the right subject here but I feel like i've gone too far with research to stop now. Part of me thinks it may actually be beneficial.
Anyway, need a brew now and going to crush up those biscuits and bake that cake. Bizarely enough I can bake a cake and not think of scoffing it. WHY? Because I hate butter - I see what ingredients go into my own cakes and think YAK i'm not putting that in my body.
1.55 pm body is crying out for food - i'm not hungry - but I have discomfort in my back, my arms and a heavy head. I've had a banana and a cup of tea and am praying. Have also rung a couple of people but couldn't get hold of them so will try later.
Whilst I was in the laundry a short time ago, I looked at a clothing label and had the idea of creating a label relating to my body i.e. 40% fat, 60%???? Will sketch something shortly.
Talked to a lady in London this morning who like myself is an alcoholic and a compulsive eater (in recovery from both for 30 years alcohol and 15 food). She seems to make contact just when I need it. What she said this morning makes sense and it's such a relief to know I'm not a weak willed greedy fat pig who is choosing this battle every day. As I type those last words, part of me is saying well you are choosing it and in a way I am because the pain of changing is unthinkable. Just like it was with alcohol I can't imagine a life where I don't eat chocolate, or biscuits or the odd pie or white french stick. That's it really. I can live with eating brown rice, brown pasta, brown bread. That's cemented and working. Yes, I'd like to eat a white bagette or garlic bread but again, life without them is bearable. But the thought of cake, chocolate or biscuits never passing my lips again is unthinkable. THAT SAID, today, I am going to have my remaining two meals and pudding whatever my friend brings. So JUST FOR TODAY I can do without those things.
I'm going to make a cake shortly for someone's birthday, so the remaining biscuits will crushed and melted into that cake. Then, once again I have no crap to eat in the house. Only nutritous stuff. Melon, bananas, natural yoghurt, almonds..... none of which I fancy bingeing on ! (funnily enough) that said I did chomp through a good bit of melon last night.
I have been doing more research the last few days, contacting people I know and looking at sugar and the effects on the brain. I have doubted again whether I'm doing the right subject here but I feel like i've gone too far with research to stop now. Part of me thinks it may actually be beneficial.
Anyway, need a brew now and going to crush up those biscuits and bake that cake. Bizarely enough I can bake a cake and not think of scoffing it. WHY? Because I hate butter - I see what ingredients go into my own cakes and think YAK i'm not putting that in my body.
1.55 pm body is crying out for food - i'm not hungry - but I have discomfort in my back, my arms and a heavy head. I've had a banana and a cup of tea and am praying. Have also rung a couple of people but couldn't get hold of them so will try later.
Whilst I was in the laundry a short time ago, I looked at a clothing label and had the idea of creating a label relating to my body i.e. 40% fat, 60%???? Will sketch something shortly.
Thursday, 24 January 2013
Thursday 24th January 10.14 pm
I'm feeling something but not sure what it is - normally I think it's hunger but now i'm stopping and thinking what is it? Am I hungry? I've eaten well today. Almost to my plan but with an extra unexpected chocolate bar.
Had 2 toast which wasn't very appetising. Egg sandwich for lunch. Equally as unappetising as the breakfast, even the Worcester Sauce crisps didn't liven it up. The Marathon bar (now called snickers (hate it when they change the names of sweeties)) afterwards didn't even perk me up. There was not much pleasure in my food today - do people without compulsive eating issues enjoy their food - do they even think about whether they enjoyed it? Food you see is a pleasure to me; it gives me a certain feeling. But today it didn't give me that feeling of pleasure - maybe this is good? Maybe I'm going off food! I was bought a boost bar but I only eat that in the afternoon because???.... really don't know. I felt I needed it. Tea was chicken and oven chips and baked beans, again didn't enjoy it. Wanted to go out earlier and buy biscuits but haven't - only because it's too cold.
Have felt not right physically all day. Tired, fatter than normal - tummy is very bloated. Peeing more normal today but still not without bit of discomfort, also spot of blood again. Wondered if I was going to get yet another period!
Rang someone to chat about food as feeling hopeless really but I shouldnt because I haven't done too badly. I feel very out of control of spending. I'm avoiding looking at bank balance. Why am I doing this to myself? I feel unmanageable. I've only been back at college 2 weeks and my living room is chaotic with stuff everywhere (college stuff that is). So what can i do about this? Nothing right now but tomorrow when i've had a good kip.......
Tomorrow's food plan is : sausage, egg and 1 toast for breakfast, butternut squash and/or parsnip soup of soup kind (need to find a recipe) for lunch, and fish, potatoes and broccoli for tea. Cake for pudding. That's the plan. Must talk to someone tomorrow (one of my fellow overeaters). Because that's how the programme works: talk to someone with the same problem and get strength. I have to try because if I give up i'll eat and eat and eat and it will all be refined carbs ............ biscuits, crisps, chocolates and I will feel even worse than I have today.
Bit paranoid today too and skipped my thursday lunchtime meeting so need to put one in tomorrow night.
Had 2 toast which wasn't very appetising. Egg sandwich for lunch. Equally as unappetising as the breakfast, even the Worcester Sauce crisps didn't liven it up. The Marathon bar (now called snickers (hate it when they change the names of sweeties)) afterwards didn't even perk me up. There was not much pleasure in my food today - do people without compulsive eating issues enjoy their food - do they even think about whether they enjoyed it? Food you see is a pleasure to me; it gives me a certain feeling. But today it didn't give me that feeling of pleasure - maybe this is good? Maybe I'm going off food! I was bought a boost bar but I only eat that in the afternoon because???.... really don't know. I felt I needed it. Tea was chicken and oven chips and baked beans, again didn't enjoy it. Wanted to go out earlier and buy biscuits but haven't - only because it's too cold.
Have felt not right physically all day. Tired, fatter than normal - tummy is very bloated. Peeing more normal today but still not without bit of discomfort, also spot of blood again. Wondered if I was going to get yet another period!
Rang someone to chat about food as feeling hopeless really but I shouldnt because I haven't done too badly. I feel very out of control of spending. I'm avoiding looking at bank balance. Why am I doing this to myself? I feel unmanageable. I've only been back at college 2 weeks and my living room is chaotic with stuff everywhere (college stuff that is). So what can i do about this? Nothing right now but tomorrow when i've had a good kip.......
Tomorrow's food plan is : sausage, egg and 1 toast for breakfast, butternut squash and/or parsnip soup of soup kind (need to find a recipe) for lunch, and fish, potatoes and broccoli for tea. Cake for pudding. That's the plan. Must talk to someone tomorrow (one of my fellow overeaters). Because that's how the programme works: talk to someone with the same problem and get strength. I have to try because if I give up i'll eat and eat and eat and it will all be refined carbs ............ biscuits, crisps, chocolates and I will feel even worse than I have today.
Bit paranoid today too and skipped my thursday lunchtime meeting so need to put one in tomorrow night.
Wednesday, 23 January 2013
Wednesday 23rd January 2013
Had a much better day with food today. Overslept so had to rush breakfast and go in slightly late. Museli nice - it's new. Had a productive morning learning basic HTML coding and at break time I did have the urge for some food but had a cup of tea. Got back to class and found myself wishing for lunch time but didn't eat anything.
Thoroughly enjoyed my cheese, onion and garlic toastie (cold) and a banana and can honestly say was full but that didn't stop me WANTING more - i.e. chocolate or a milky cappucino but again didn't have anything, just water.
Afternoon passed quickly and guzzled remainder of water during the afternoon before break. I had my cappucino at 3 pm and an apple. Did knock the drink back quickly (heat permitting). A full belly now and back to class.
On way home started thinking about tea. Had planned chicken and rice n sauce. Started to debate having chips from chippy. On route to the chip shop I stopped to print off some photos then bought a new printer which is needed and bought for a bargain.
Home I walked to get my tea of mini fish and chips. Cooked some beans when I got in. I have to be honest and say I didn't really enjoy it. Maybe because I know it was the unhealthy option. Had my chocolate afterwards with a cup of tea. That's my lot for tonight. I am full, occupied installing new printer and plan to do some homework and not mong in front of TV all night.
I have stuck to a 3 meal plan. I have changed a meal but that's ok.
Thoroughly enjoyed my cheese, onion and garlic toastie (cold) and a banana and can honestly say was full but that didn't stop me WANTING more - i.e. chocolate or a milky cappucino but again didn't have anything, just water.
Afternoon passed quickly and guzzled remainder of water during the afternoon before break. I had my cappucino at 3 pm and an apple. Did knock the drink back quickly (heat permitting). A full belly now and back to class.
On way home started thinking about tea. Had planned chicken and rice n sauce. Started to debate having chips from chippy. On route to the chip shop I stopped to print off some photos then bought a new printer which is needed and bought for a bargain.
Home I walked to get my tea of mini fish and chips. Cooked some beans when I got in. I have to be honest and say I didn't really enjoy it. Maybe because I know it was the unhealthy option. Had my chocolate afterwards with a cup of tea. That's my lot for tonight. I am full, occupied installing new printer and plan to do some homework and not mong in front of TV all night.
I have stuck to a 3 meal plan. I have changed a meal but that's ok.
Tuesday, 22 January 2013
Tuesday 22nd January - 11.19 pm
So since my last update on Sunday I have had a massive headache which of course I thought was the onset of a brain tumour - just stopped short of ringing 999! Migraine (yesterday) and today the start of symptom of cystitus and I feel drained. Let me clarify....
Sunday, I got back to 3 meals which was my plan for the day. I also drastically (again) decided no sugar. As the day wore on a slight headache started. I spoke to my sponsor and she said I was going from one extreme to another i.e. I decided to cut out all sugar and got obcessed with making sure there is no hidden sugar. And this from not actually sticking to 3 meals a day plan for the previous week. So the headache got worse and i'd spent most of the day researching compulsive eating for my project. In bed and the pounding head was getting stronger. I thought it would ease if i went to bed but it got worse. Got up and popped a couple of pills but still the pounding persisted. I told myself in panic it was a brain tumour and if it didn't stop soon i'd be calling myself an ambulance. It is actually frightening to be ill when you live alone. But the pounding eased and I dozed off.
Yesterday, had my breakfast (bran flakes) sprinkled with a few chopped almonds. Went to the art group at YMCA for the first time. Brother Peter asked if I would go and do some textiles work with the people who come for the group - so pleased to be asked and enjoyed the morning. Met Fran for coffee at 1 pm and had lovelly cappucino and then soup (vegetable) which was sooo thick and a hot white roll. I should've asked for a brown one but just eat what I had. Anyway, I went back to pick up my bike and bits from the YMCA and headed home in the snow. Riding a bike in the snow is not recommended.
Arriving home, I shot straight out of the door again to go get some veg from the local shop as didn't want to go back into town to Aldi. No melons on sale that I I wanted (wanted honeydew) but got some garlic and one nana.
Went to the next shop down and picked up some brown rice. Went round the other aisle and my hand went straight to a boost bar. There was no debating in my head it was just I'm having that. I returned home with my boost and promptly sat down on the settee with a cup tea and scoffed it. Had that familiar aaaaah feeling with the first melt of the chocolate. Lounged in front of TV for the afternoon doing some homework in between. Doing my proposal for this project and started to doubt I should do it. That it would be too similar to my FMP. What would people think "oh she's off again with her addiction stuff". Bottom line though is i'm struggling with this and it's affecting my sobriety and peace of mind. I'm stuffing myself with food and then not feeling anything, not living in the moment, let alone the day, retreating into my head, not talking to people, isolating, using TV as an escape when I could be doing creative stuff, spending money til i've run out and feel miserable because I haven't got any. I'm powerless over food and my life is unmanageable. If I don't do something about it I run the risk of doing half a job on my course and not producing what I want to produce, becoming full of self doubt, paranoia, resentments.
Woke up this morning in time for my first ever Zumba class - like nothing I've ever done before. Felt a bit strange when I peed and wiped away some blood and though oh shit what's going on here. Think it's a bit of cystitus (have had a quick read on the internet) and guzzled loads of water and cranberry juice. Not sure what use the juice is though as it only has 25% cranberry in it !
Feeling very tired, had a cry earlier on talking to my sponsor as I've eaten compulsively again today. Breakfast was ok, lunch was ok. But then when at local shop bought 2 bars of choc. I actually wanted biscuits as well but refrained. Also got 2 magazines. Spending more money when I know I should not be. So, got home, scoffed the Flake, followed by the Dairy Milk washed down with cranberry juice. Madness, trying to sort out cystitus and shovelling non nutritional food in.
To summarise the last few days: I have gone from one extreme to another. I can't just have 3 meals a day. I have to go and have veg portions galore with a bit of chicken or fish. I then try to cut out sugar - every tiny morsel and I manage 1 day resulting in major headache and then the next day feel deprive and go binge. So, I have felt shite tonight, cried and realised what I'm doing. So, a sensible plan for tomorrow is scheduled: new museli which I bought today for breakfast; lunch is a cold cheese, mushroom and garlic toastie with a banana; tea is chicken and brown rice with mushrooms and butternut squash and hoisin and garlic sauce followed by melon and natural yoghurt. I am planning a bar of chocolate which I need to have with one of my meals so that will probably be lunch. One step at a time. Be realistic. Ring Sue tomorrow and my other fellow compulsive scoffers. Pray in the morning. Admit i'm powerless and ask for help.
Sunday, I got back to 3 meals which was my plan for the day. I also drastically (again) decided no sugar. As the day wore on a slight headache started. I spoke to my sponsor and she said I was going from one extreme to another i.e. I decided to cut out all sugar and got obcessed with making sure there is no hidden sugar. And this from not actually sticking to 3 meals a day plan for the previous week. So the headache got worse and i'd spent most of the day researching compulsive eating for my project. In bed and the pounding head was getting stronger. I thought it would ease if i went to bed but it got worse. Got up and popped a couple of pills but still the pounding persisted. I told myself in panic it was a brain tumour and if it didn't stop soon i'd be calling myself an ambulance. It is actually frightening to be ill when you live alone. But the pounding eased and I dozed off.
Yesterday, had my breakfast (bran flakes) sprinkled with a few chopped almonds. Went to the art group at YMCA for the first time. Brother Peter asked if I would go and do some textiles work with the people who come for the group - so pleased to be asked and enjoyed the morning. Met Fran for coffee at 1 pm and had lovelly cappucino and then soup (vegetable) which was sooo thick and a hot white roll. I should've asked for a brown one but just eat what I had. Anyway, I went back to pick up my bike and bits from the YMCA and headed home in the snow. Riding a bike in the snow is not recommended.
Arriving home, I shot straight out of the door again to go get some veg from the local shop as didn't want to go back into town to Aldi. No melons on sale that I I wanted (wanted honeydew) but got some garlic and one nana.
Went to the next shop down and picked up some brown rice. Went round the other aisle and my hand went straight to a boost bar. There was no debating in my head it was just I'm having that. I returned home with my boost and promptly sat down on the settee with a cup tea and scoffed it. Had that familiar aaaaah feeling with the first melt of the chocolate. Lounged in front of TV for the afternoon doing some homework in between. Doing my proposal for this project and started to doubt I should do it. That it would be too similar to my FMP. What would people think "oh she's off again with her addiction stuff". Bottom line though is i'm struggling with this and it's affecting my sobriety and peace of mind. I'm stuffing myself with food and then not feeling anything, not living in the moment, let alone the day, retreating into my head, not talking to people, isolating, using TV as an escape when I could be doing creative stuff, spending money til i've run out and feel miserable because I haven't got any. I'm powerless over food and my life is unmanageable. If I don't do something about it I run the risk of doing half a job on my course and not producing what I want to produce, becoming full of self doubt, paranoia, resentments.
Woke up this morning in time for my first ever Zumba class - like nothing I've ever done before. Felt a bit strange when I peed and wiped away some blood and though oh shit what's going on here. Think it's a bit of cystitus (have had a quick read on the internet) and guzzled loads of water and cranberry juice. Not sure what use the juice is though as it only has 25% cranberry in it !
Feeling very tired, had a cry earlier on talking to my sponsor as I've eaten compulsively again today. Breakfast was ok, lunch was ok. But then when at local shop bought 2 bars of choc. I actually wanted biscuits as well but refrained. Also got 2 magazines. Spending more money when I know I should not be. So, got home, scoffed the Flake, followed by the Dairy Milk washed down with cranberry juice. Madness, trying to sort out cystitus and shovelling non nutritional food in.
To summarise the last few days: I have gone from one extreme to another. I can't just have 3 meals a day. I have to go and have veg portions galore with a bit of chicken or fish. I then try to cut out sugar - every tiny morsel and I manage 1 day resulting in major headache and then the next day feel deprive and go binge. So, I have felt shite tonight, cried and realised what I'm doing. So, a sensible plan for tomorrow is scheduled: new museli which I bought today for breakfast; lunch is a cold cheese, mushroom and garlic toastie with a banana; tea is chicken and brown rice with mushrooms and butternut squash and hoisin and garlic sauce followed by melon and natural yoghurt. I am planning a bar of chocolate which I need to have with one of my meals so that will probably be lunch. One step at a time. Be realistic. Ring Sue tomorrow and my other fellow compulsive scoffers. Pray in the morning. Admit i'm powerless and ask for help.
Sunday, 20 January 2013
Sunday 18th January ... 6 days til i'm 45 !
I was awoken this Sunday morning with a call and I looked at it and thought mmm shall I answer because I didn't know if I wanted to part take in the day at that time. I'd gone to bed after a good day consisting of 2 meetings and a trip to Asda. The trip to Asda is where I spotted 2 choc n orange muffins on the reduce trolley. They were a bargain and they were in my basket quicker than shit flies off a shovel as the saying goes. I know if i buy 2 i will eat 2 the logical part of my brain says.... but they're cheap sooo cheap says the part of my brain that really wants the sugar that's in them.
The phone call from a man who said to me a couple of years ago "refined carbs have the same effect on the brain as alcohol did". I heard it. I was amazed. I wasn't ready to do anything about it. I forgot about it. I heard it again last year from his lips. I knew again it was the answer to sorting out my eating. Again I wasn't ready. I have been trying to have an eating plan for the last few months - cutting nothing out just eating 3 meals a day. I could still have cake, chocolate, biscuits........ all the things my mind tells me I want. However, I found myself looking forward to the meal where the sweet stuff resided. I have cut down and I have to some extent improved my eating - I haven't bought a pack of biscuits and eaten them in one sitting with one cup of tea (big cup of course for dunking) as often as I used to - last Monday was the last time. I bought them for a friend who was in hospital and i bought a packet for a meeting I was due to go to shortly after buying them. That 2nd packet did get eaten at the meeting by 4 of us. Everyone was too polite to eat the first one and I was sitting there looking at them waiting... so I picked them up and offered them round. So, the 1st packet for the friend in hospital never reached him. He came out Tuesday morning so I told myself I'll have them.
I had a couple of incidences where because I had reduced the sweet stuff, I felt like I had gone out and gotten drunk when I had some - there were 2 incidences and it freaked me out because I knew I hadn't had a drink. I rang a good lady in London who has the same problem as me and she said "it's the sugar. It's having the same effect as alcohol did.". Oh shit. My love affair with sugar is nearing its end. So all buoyed up I quit sugar and lasted two and 3/4 days. I caved in Friday night with a BIG bar of choc. I rammed it in, piece after piece like I would die if I didn't have it. Therein started the last two weeks of bad eating, cakes, biscuits, crisps, white baguettes, pasties/pies.....
I have been feeling worse as the week has gone on - fatter, more tired, routine slipping, disappointed with myself, why can't I just not eat this stuff.
The answer came again from the lips of the man who said it to me a few years ago "refined carbs can have the same effect as alcohol". And so it is with me. I believe. So, dring this conversation at 8.45 this morning which I nearly didn't have because I didn't really want to par take in the day (due to the effect this food has on me) I asked him if he knew where I could get research on brain chemistry. Quick as a flash he gave me some names and a number to get pointers to the research. It does exist.
So today is panning out to be better than I expected. I possibly would have had a lie in til 1 pm if it were not for that phone call and my better self answering it. I have eaten well: porridge and a nana, stir fry for lunch (bean sprouts, garlic, ginger, spinach and chicken) which was I have to say delicious. I have also eaten in effect my third meal which was bacon and mushroom bagel (wholemeal) which I was gagging to eat as I made it about an hour ago. I had a sweet ryvita to follow. As the day progresses though I know i'm going to be on the scavenge later. But feel quite content at this moment in time. Having this project gives me something to focus on and express my feelings.
The phone call from a man who said to me a couple of years ago "refined carbs have the same effect on the brain as alcohol did". I heard it. I was amazed. I wasn't ready to do anything about it. I forgot about it. I heard it again last year from his lips. I knew again it was the answer to sorting out my eating. Again I wasn't ready. I have been trying to have an eating plan for the last few months - cutting nothing out just eating 3 meals a day. I could still have cake, chocolate, biscuits........ all the things my mind tells me I want. However, I found myself looking forward to the meal where the sweet stuff resided. I have cut down and I have to some extent improved my eating - I haven't bought a pack of biscuits and eaten them in one sitting with one cup of tea (big cup of course for dunking) as often as I used to - last Monday was the last time. I bought them for a friend who was in hospital and i bought a packet for a meeting I was due to go to shortly after buying them. That 2nd packet did get eaten at the meeting by 4 of us. Everyone was too polite to eat the first one and I was sitting there looking at them waiting... so I picked them up and offered them round. So, the 1st packet for the friend in hospital never reached him. He came out Tuesday morning so I told myself I'll have them.
I had a couple of incidences where because I had reduced the sweet stuff, I felt like I had gone out and gotten drunk when I had some - there were 2 incidences and it freaked me out because I knew I hadn't had a drink. I rang a good lady in London who has the same problem as me and she said "it's the sugar. It's having the same effect as alcohol did.". Oh shit. My love affair with sugar is nearing its end. So all buoyed up I quit sugar and lasted two and 3/4 days. I caved in Friday night with a BIG bar of choc. I rammed it in, piece after piece like I would die if I didn't have it. Therein started the last two weeks of bad eating, cakes, biscuits, crisps, white baguettes, pasties/pies.....
I have been feeling worse as the week has gone on - fatter, more tired, routine slipping, disappointed with myself, why can't I just not eat this stuff.
The answer came again from the lips of the man who said it to me a few years ago "refined carbs can have the same effect as alcohol". And so it is with me. I believe. So, dring this conversation at 8.45 this morning which I nearly didn't have because I didn't really want to par take in the day (due to the effect this food has on me) I asked him if he knew where I could get research on brain chemistry. Quick as a flash he gave me some names and a number to get pointers to the research. It does exist.
So today is panning out to be better than I expected. I possibly would have had a lie in til 1 pm if it were not for that phone call and my better self answering it. I have eaten well: porridge and a nana, stir fry for lunch (bean sprouts, garlic, ginger, spinach and chicken) which was I have to say delicious. I have also eaten in effect my third meal which was bacon and mushroom bagel (wholemeal) which I was gagging to eat as I made it about an hour ago. I had a sweet ryvita to follow. As the day progresses though I know i'm going to be on the scavenge later. But feel quite content at this moment in time. Having this project gives me something to focus on and express my feelings.
Introduction to my compulsive eating blog
I have created this blog to accompany my Foundation Degree project on compulsive eating, something which is a bit of a problem for me. I'm a recovering alcoholic and this time 8 years ago I was in a treatment centre in Burton on Trent. I went in thinking my depression would be resolved, and I would come out slim and happy all in 16 weeks! Needless to say that didn't happen, but what did happen was the start of a journey of change for me which is on going hence this project.
During the past 8 years I have spent time recovering from the first 37 years of my life. What do I mean by that? I mean I have been learning to understand why I was the way I was, why I still continued to behave in the same way after a few months out of treatment (except I was doing it without a drink inside me) and what I could do to change. During this time, food has been my constant companion and as I'm trying to do something about it at the moment, I decided that my next project would be about this problem I have. For my final project on my Foundation Diploma I did my experience of alcohol addiction and I found it beneficial so I have decided to continue using my personal experience for this project.
Recently I have found myself recently glued to TV programmes such as Embarrasing Fat Bodies, A year to save my life, Supersize v Superskinny, Weight Loss Ward. I am shocked sometimes by what I see; I understand how I have put on weight and why I'm not losing it. I am so lucky that I was ready to be helped when I went into treatment for alcoholism because if I hadn't been I could still be going round in that vicious cycle of addiction.
One thing I find frustrating is that some of these people can't leave the house so who is feeding them? I would not go out and buy food for someone who is so fat they can't walk. It would be the same as me going to take alcohol to an alcoholic when I know it's going to kill them (eventually). I just would not do it. But I am now armed with knowledge of my own condition and understand and take action to change things. Whilst I was in the depths of alcohol addiction without any understanding of what was going on, I could not change. I can only think that this is the same for all those people on the programmes mentioned above.
For me now though, I need and want to change my eating. I have known for a few years that I've having food issues in the same way as I did alcohol but I have not been ready or willing to seriously do something about it. I've been looking for miracle cures and answers but I already have some of the knowledge. And that is .... to be continued......
During the past 8 years I have spent time recovering from the first 37 years of my life. What do I mean by that? I mean I have been learning to understand why I was the way I was, why I still continued to behave in the same way after a few months out of treatment (except I was doing it without a drink inside me) and what I could do to change. During this time, food has been my constant companion and as I'm trying to do something about it at the moment, I decided that my next project would be about this problem I have. For my final project on my Foundation Diploma I did my experience of alcohol addiction and I found it beneficial so I have decided to continue using my personal experience for this project.
Recently I have found myself recently glued to TV programmes such as Embarrasing Fat Bodies, A year to save my life, Supersize v Superskinny, Weight Loss Ward. I am shocked sometimes by what I see; I understand how I have put on weight and why I'm not losing it. I am so lucky that I was ready to be helped when I went into treatment for alcoholism because if I hadn't been I could still be going round in that vicious cycle of addiction.
One thing I find frustrating is that some of these people can't leave the house so who is feeding them? I would not go out and buy food for someone who is so fat they can't walk. It would be the same as me going to take alcohol to an alcoholic when I know it's going to kill them (eventually). I just would not do it. But I am now armed with knowledge of my own condition and understand and take action to change things. Whilst I was in the depths of alcohol addiction without any understanding of what was going on, I could not change. I can only think that this is the same for all those people on the programmes mentioned above.
For me now though, I need and want to change my eating. I have known for a few years that I've having food issues in the same way as I did alcohol but I have not been ready or willing to seriously do something about it. I've been looking for miracle cures and answers but I already have some of the knowledge. And that is .... to be continued......
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)