Thursday, 31 January 2013
Thursday 31st January
Been physically poorly last few days with a throat/chest bug so have lost my appetite a bit (a blessing?). That hasn't stopped me thinking about getting dressed and going out into the cold and stocking up on some chocolate or cake. Left college bit early yesterday as felt worse as the day went on and have been popping paracetamol every 4 hours to keep the discomfort away (I don't do physical illness).
Head is very negative and according to my head no one likes me, people avoid me and it's not good for me being alone with this sort of head so I need to ring someone and chat it through. To be fair, I have tried to speak to someone but she was out so I need to try again.
I wrote up my journal yesterday and have been thinking about this project. Why am I doing it? Am I hiding behind this because I can't create anything original other than my personal crap? To be fair I am very knowledgeable in this area.
Head is very negative and according to my head no one likes me, people avoid me and it's not good for me being alone with this sort of head so I need to ring someone and chat it through. To be fair, I have tried to speak to someone but she was out so I need to try again.
I wrote up my journal yesterday and have been thinking about this project. Why am I doing it? Am I hiding behind this because I can't create anything original other than my personal crap? To be fair I am very knowledgeable in this area.
Tuesday, 29 January 2013
Tuesday 29th January
Woke up this mornng and my first thought was the biscuits that I had left in the packet. Not a good start. I ate a good 3 meals yesterday but I threw in a packet of chocolate biscuits. As my hand went to reach for them on the shelf my head way saying "i need something to comfort me". I also knew that it was a bad idea though because I would not be able to stop after a couple. I started with 5 and a cup of tea (dunking). Then I stopped and was on/off the computer all night and popping in/out living room to watch the box but kept veering to the kitchen for another 2, and another 2. Didn't brush my teeth before going to bed and didn't do my step 10. I'm well "in the food" at the minute and I want out. I'm tired. Feel awful today. Body is craving and wants me to put something soothing in. I have 2 further meals planned today. Had shredded weight for brekkie and have home made soup and bread for lunch. For tea, got a friend round so having jacket spud, cheese and tuna and bit of stir fry veg. She is bring a pudding and she stated a healthy one so.....
Talked to a lady in London this morning who like myself is an alcoholic and a compulsive eater (in recovery from both for 30 years alcohol and 15 food). She seems to make contact just when I need it. What she said this morning makes sense and it's such a relief to know I'm not a weak willed greedy fat pig who is choosing this battle every day. As I type those last words, part of me is saying well you are choosing it and in a way I am because the pain of changing is unthinkable. Just like it was with alcohol I can't imagine a life where I don't eat chocolate, or biscuits or the odd pie or white french stick. That's it really. I can live with eating brown rice, brown pasta, brown bread. That's cemented and working. Yes, I'd like to eat a white bagette or garlic bread but again, life without them is bearable. But the thought of cake, chocolate or biscuits never passing my lips again is unthinkable. THAT SAID, today, I am going to have my remaining two meals and pudding whatever my friend brings. So JUST FOR TODAY I can do without those things.
I'm going to make a cake shortly for someone's birthday, so the remaining biscuits will crushed and melted into that cake. Then, once again I have no crap to eat in the house. Only nutritous stuff. Melon, bananas, natural yoghurt, almonds..... none of which I fancy bingeing on ! (funnily enough) that said I did chomp through a good bit of melon last night.
I have been doing more research the last few days, contacting people I know and looking at sugar and the effects on the brain. I have doubted again whether I'm doing the right subject here but I feel like i've gone too far with research to stop now. Part of me thinks it may actually be beneficial.
Anyway, need a brew now and going to crush up those biscuits and bake that cake. Bizarely enough I can bake a cake and not think of scoffing it. WHY? Because I hate butter - I see what ingredients go into my own cakes and think YAK i'm not putting that in my body.
1.55 pm body is crying out for food - i'm not hungry - but I have discomfort in my back, my arms and a heavy head. I've had a banana and a cup of tea and am praying. Have also rung a couple of people but couldn't get hold of them so will try later.
Whilst I was in the laundry a short time ago, I looked at a clothing label and had the idea of creating a label relating to my body i.e. 40% fat, 60%???? Will sketch something shortly.
Talked to a lady in London this morning who like myself is an alcoholic and a compulsive eater (in recovery from both for 30 years alcohol and 15 food). She seems to make contact just when I need it. What she said this morning makes sense and it's such a relief to know I'm not a weak willed greedy fat pig who is choosing this battle every day. As I type those last words, part of me is saying well you are choosing it and in a way I am because the pain of changing is unthinkable. Just like it was with alcohol I can't imagine a life where I don't eat chocolate, or biscuits or the odd pie or white french stick. That's it really. I can live with eating brown rice, brown pasta, brown bread. That's cemented and working. Yes, I'd like to eat a white bagette or garlic bread but again, life without them is bearable. But the thought of cake, chocolate or biscuits never passing my lips again is unthinkable. THAT SAID, today, I am going to have my remaining two meals and pudding whatever my friend brings. So JUST FOR TODAY I can do without those things.
I'm going to make a cake shortly for someone's birthday, so the remaining biscuits will crushed and melted into that cake. Then, once again I have no crap to eat in the house. Only nutritous stuff. Melon, bananas, natural yoghurt, almonds..... none of which I fancy bingeing on ! (funnily enough) that said I did chomp through a good bit of melon last night.
I have been doing more research the last few days, contacting people I know and looking at sugar and the effects on the brain. I have doubted again whether I'm doing the right subject here but I feel like i've gone too far with research to stop now. Part of me thinks it may actually be beneficial.
Anyway, need a brew now and going to crush up those biscuits and bake that cake. Bizarely enough I can bake a cake and not think of scoffing it. WHY? Because I hate butter - I see what ingredients go into my own cakes and think YAK i'm not putting that in my body.
1.55 pm body is crying out for food - i'm not hungry - but I have discomfort in my back, my arms and a heavy head. I've had a banana and a cup of tea and am praying. Have also rung a couple of people but couldn't get hold of them so will try later.
Whilst I was in the laundry a short time ago, I looked at a clothing label and had the idea of creating a label relating to my body i.e. 40% fat, 60%???? Will sketch something shortly.
Thursday, 24 January 2013
Thursday 24th January 10.14 pm
I'm feeling something but not sure what it is - normally I think it's hunger but now i'm stopping and thinking what is it? Am I hungry? I've eaten well today. Almost to my plan but with an extra unexpected chocolate bar.
Had 2 toast which wasn't very appetising. Egg sandwich for lunch. Equally as unappetising as the breakfast, even the Worcester Sauce crisps didn't liven it up. The Marathon bar (now called snickers (hate it when they change the names of sweeties)) afterwards didn't even perk me up. There was not much pleasure in my food today - do people without compulsive eating issues enjoy their food - do they even think about whether they enjoyed it? Food you see is a pleasure to me; it gives me a certain feeling. But today it didn't give me that feeling of pleasure - maybe this is good? Maybe I'm going off food! I was bought a boost bar but I only eat that in the afternoon because???.... really don't know. I felt I needed it. Tea was chicken and oven chips and baked beans, again didn't enjoy it. Wanted to go out earlier and buy biscuits but haven't - only because it's too cold.
Have felt not right physically all day. Tired, fatter than normal - tummy is very bloated. Peeing more normal today but still not without bit of discomfort, also spot of blood again. Wondered if I was going to get yet another period!
Rang someone to chat about food as feeling hopeless really but I shouldnt because I haven't done too badly. I feel very out of control of spending. I'm avoiding looking at bank balance. Why am I doing this to myself? I feel unmanageable. I've only been back at college 2 weeks and my living room is chaotic with stuff everywhere (college stuff that is). So what can i do about this? Nothing right now but tomorrow when i've had a good kip.......
Tomorrow's food plan is : sausage, egg and 1 toast for breakfast, butternut squash and/or parsnip soup of soup kind (need to find a recipe) for lunch, and fish, potatoes and broccoli for tea. Cake for pudding. That's the plan. Must talk to someone tomorrow (one of my fellow overeaters). Because that's how the programme works: talk to someone with the same problem and get strength. I have to try because if I give up i'll eat and eat and eat and it will all be refined carbs ............ biscuits, crisps, chocolates and I will feel even worse than I have today.
Bit paranoid today too and skipped my thursday lunchtime meeting so need to put one in tomorrow night.
Had 2 toast which wasn't very appetising. Egg sandwich for lunch. Equally as unappetising as the breakfast, even the Worcester Sauce crisps didn't liven it up. The Marathon bar (now called snickers (hate it when they change the names of sweeties)) afterwards didn't even perk me up. There was not much pleasure in my food today - do people without compulsive eating issues enjoy their food - do they even think about whether they enjoyed it? Food you see is a pleasure to me; it gives me a certain feeling. But today it didn't give me that feeling of pleasure - maybe this is good? Maybe I'm going off food! I was bought a boost bar but I only eat that in the afternoon because???.... really don't know. I felt I needed it. Tea was chicken and oven chips and baked beans, again didn't enjoy it. Wanted to go out earlier and buy biscuits but haven't - only because it's too cold.
Have felt not right physically all day. Tired, fatter than normal - tummy is very bloated. Peeing more normal today but still not without bit of discomfort, also spot of blood again. Wondered if I was going to get yet another period!
Rang someone to chat about food as feeling hopeless really but I shouldnt because I haven't done too badly. I feel very out of control of spending. I'm avoiding looking at bank balance. Why am I doing this to myself? I feel unmanageable. I've only been back at college 2 weeks and my living room is chaotic with stuff everywhere (college stuff that is). So what can i do about this? Nothing right now but tomorrow when i've had a good kip.......
Tomorrow's food plan is : sausage, egg and 1 toast for breakfast, butternut squash and/or parsnip soup of soup kind (need to find a recipe) for lunch, and fish, potatoes and broccoli for tea. Cake for pudding. That's the plan. Must talk to someone tomorrow (one of my fellow overeaters). Because that's how the programme works: talk to someone with the same problem and get strength. I have to try because if I give up i'll eat and eat and eat and it will all be refined carbs ............ biscuits, crisps, chocolates and I will feel even worse than I have today.
Bit paranoid today too and skipped my thursday lunchtime meeting so need to put one in tomorrow night.
Wednesday, 23 January 2013
Wednesday 23rd January 2013
Had a much better day with food today. Overslept so had to rush breakfast and go in slightly late. Museli nice - it's new. Had a productive morning learning basic HTML coding and at break time I did have the urge for some food but had a cup of tea. Got back to class and found myself wishing for lunch time but didn't eat anything.
Thoroughly enjoyed my cheese, onion and garlic toastie (cold) and a banana and can honestly say was full but that didn't stop me WANTING more - i.e. chocolate or a milky cappucino but again didn't have anything, just water.
Afternoon passed quickly and guzzled remainder of water during the afternoon before break. I had my cappucino at 3 pm and an apple. Did knock the drink back quickly (heat permitting). A full belly now and back to class.
On way home started thinking about tea. Had planned chicken and rice n sauce. Started to debate having chips from chippy. On route to the chip shop I stopped to print off some photos then bought a new printer which is needed and bought for a bargain.
Home I walked to get my tea of mini fish and chips. Cooked some beans when I got in. I have to be honest and say I didn't really enjoy it. Maybe because I know it was the unhealthy option. Had my chocolate afterwards with a cup of tea. That's my lot for tonight. I am full, occupied installing new printer and plan to do some homework and not mong in front of TV all night.
I have stuck to a 3 meal plan. I have changed a meal but that's ok.
Thoroughly enjoyed my cheese, onion and garlic toastie (cold) and a banana and can honestly say was full but that didn't stop me WANTING more - i.e. chocolate or a milky cappucino but again didn't have anything, just water.
Afternoon passed quickly and guzzled remainder of water during the afternoon before break. I had my cappucino at 3 pm and an apple. Did knock the drink back quickly (heat permitting). A full belly now and back to class.
On way home started thinking about tea. Had planned chicken and rice n sauce. Started to debate having chips from chippy. On route to the chip shop I stopped to print off some photos then bought a new printer which is needed and bought for a bargain.
Home I walked to get my tea of mini fish and chips. Cooked some beans when I got in. I have to be honest and say I didn't really enjoy it. Maybe because I know it was the unhealthy option. Had my chocolate afterwards with a cup of tea. That's my lot for tonight. I am full, occupied installing new printer and plan to do some homework and not mong in front of TV all night.
I have stuck to a 3 meal plan. I have changed a meal but that's ok.
Tuesday, 22 January 2013
Tuesday 22nd January - 11.19 pm
So since my last update on Sunday I have had a massive headache which of course I thought was the onset of a brain tumour - just stopped short of ringing 999! Migraine (yesterday) and today the start of symptom of cystitus and I feel drained. Let me clarify....
Sunday, I got back to 3 meals which was my plan for the day. I also drastically (again) decided no sugar. As the day wore on a slight headache started. I spoke to my sponsor and she said I was going from one extreme to another i.e. I decided to cut out all sugar and got obcessed with making sure there is no hidden sugar. And this from not actually sticking to 3 meals a day plan for the previous week. So the headache got worse and i'd spent most of the day researching compulsive eating for my project. In bed and the pounding head was getting stronger. I thought it would ease if i went to bed but it got worse. Got up and popped a couple of pills but still the pounding persisted. I told myself in panic it was a brain tumour and if it didn't stop soon i'd be calling myself an ambulance. It is actually frightening to be ill when you live alone. But the pounding eased and I dozed off.
Yesterday, had my breakfast (bran flakes) sprinkled with a few chopped almonds. Went to the art group at YMCA for the first time. Brother Peter asked if I would go and do some textiles work with the people who come for the group - so pleased to be asked and enjoyed the morning. Met Fran for coffee at 1 pm and had lovelly cappucino and then soup (vegetable) which was sooo thick and a hot white roll. I should've asked for a brown one but just eat what I had. Anyway, I went back to pick up my bike and bits from the YMCA and headed home in the snow. Riding a bike in the snow is not recommended.
Arriving home, I shot straight out of the door again to go get some veg from the local shop as didn't want to go back into town to Aldi. No melons on sale that I I wanted (wanted honeydew) but got some garlic and one nana.
Went to the next shop down and picked up some brown rice. Went round the other aisle and my hand went straight to a boost bar. There was no debating in my head it was just I'm having that. I returned home with my boost and promptly sat down on the settee with a cup tea and scoffed it. Had that familiar aaaaah feeling with the first melt of the chocolate. Lounged in front of TV for the afternoon doing some homework in between. Doing my proposal for this project and started to doubt I should do it. That it would be too similar to my FMP. What would people think "oh she's off again with her addiction stuff". Bottom line though is i'm struggling with this and it's affecting my sobriety and peace of mind. I'm stuffing myself with food and then not feeling anything, not living in the moment, let alone the day, retreating into my head, not talking to people, isolating, using TV as an escape when I could be doing creative stuff, spending money til i've run out and feel miserable because I haven't got any. I'm powerless over food and my life is unmanageable. If I don't do something about it I run the risk of doing half a job on my course and not producing what I want to produce, becoming full of self doubt, paranoia, resentments.
Woke up this morning in time for my first ever Zumba class - like nothing I've ever done before. Felt a bit strange when I peed and wiped away some blood and though oh shit what's going on here. Think it's a bit of cystitus (have had a quick read on the internet) and guzzled loads of water and cranberry juice. Not sure what use the juice is though as it only has 25% cranberry in it !
Feeling very tired, had a cry earlier on talking to my sponsor as I've eaten compulsively again today. Breakfast was ok, lunch was ok. But then when at local shop bought 2 bars of choc. I actually wanted biscuits as well but refrained. Also got 2 magazines. Spending more money when I know I should not be. So, got home, scoffed the Flake, followed by the Dairy Milk washed down with cranberry juice. Madness, trying to sort out cystitus and shovelling non nutritional food in.
To summarise the last few days: I have gone from one extreme to another. I can't just have 3 meals a day. I have to go and have veg portions galore with a bit of chicken or fish. I then try to cut out sugar - every tiny morsel and I manage 1 day resulting in major headache and then the next day feel deprive and go binge. So, I have felt shite tonight, cried and realised what I'm doing. So, a sensible plan for tomorrow is scheduled: new museli which I bought today for breakfast; lunch is a cold cheese, mushroom and garlic toastie with a banana; tea is chicken and brown rice with mushrooms and butternut squash and hoisin and garlic sauce followed by melon and natural yoghurt. I am planning a bar of chocolate which I need to have with one of my meals so that will probably be lunch. One step at a time. Be realistic. Ring Sue tomorrow and my other fellow compulsive scoffers. Pray in the morning. Admit i'm powerless and ask for help.
Sunday, I got back to 3 meals which was my plan for the day. I also drastically (again) decided no sugar. As the day wore on a slight headache started. I spoke to my sponsor and she said I was going from one extreme to another i.e. I decided to cut out all sugar and got obcessed with making sure there is no hidden sugar. And this from not actually sticking to 3 meals a day plan for the previous week. So the headache got worse and i'd spent most of the day researching compulsive eating for my project. In bed and the pounding head was getting stronger. I thought it would ease if i went to bed but it got worse. Got up and popped a couple of pills but still the pounding persisted. I told myself in panic it was a brain tumour and if it didn't stop soon i'd be calling myself an ambulance. It is actually frightening to be ill when you live alone. But the pounding eased and I dozed off.
Yesterday, had my breakfast (bran flakes) sprinkled with a few chopped almonds. Went to the art group at YMCA for the first time. Brother Peter asked if I would go and do some textiles work with the people who come for the group - so pleased to be asked and enjoyed the morning. Met Fran for coffee at 1 pm and had lovelly cappucino and then soup (vegetable) which was sooo thick and a hot white roll. I should've asked for a brown one but just eat what I had. Anyway, I went back to pick up my bike and bits from the YMCA and headed home in the snow. Riding a bike in the snow is not recommended.
Arriving home, I shot straight out of the door again to go get some veg from the local shop as didn't want to go back into town to Aldi. No melons on sale that I I wanted (wanted honeydew) but got some garlic and one nana.
Went to the next shop down and picked up some brown rice. Went round the other aisle and my hand went straight to a boost bar. There was no debating in my head it was just I'm having that. I returned home with my boost and promptly sat down on the settee with a cup tea and scoffed it. Had that familiar aaaaah feeling with the first melt of the chocolate. Lounged in front of TV for the afternoon doing some homework in between. Doing my proposal for this project and started to doubt I should do it. That it would be too similar to my FMP. What would people think "oh she's off again with her addiction stuff". Bottom line though is i'm struggling with this and it's affecting my sobriety and peace of mind. I'm stuffing myself with food and then not feeling anything, not living in the moment, let alone the day, retreating into my head, not talking to people, isolating, using TV as an escape when I could be doing creative stuff, spending money til i've run out and feel miserable because I haven't got any. I'm powerless over food and my life is unmanageable. If I don't do something about it I run the risk of doing half a job on my course and not producing what I want to produce, becoming full of self doubt, paranoia, resentments.
Woke up this morning in time for my first ever Zumba class - like nothing I've ever done before. Felt a bit strange when I peed and wiped away some blood and though oh shit what's going on here. Think it's a bit of cystitus (have had a quick read on the internet) and guzzled loads of water and cranberry juice. Not sure what use the juice is though as it only has 25% cranberry in it !
Feeling very tired, had a cry earlier on talking to my sponsor as I've eaten compulsively again today. Breakfast was ok, lunch was ok. But then when at local shop bought 2 bars of choc. I actually wanted biscuits as well but refrained. Also got 2 magazines. Spending more money when I know I should not be. So, got home, scoffed the Flake, followed by the Dairy Milk washed down with cranberry juice. Madness, trying to sort out cystitus and shovelling non nutritional food in.
To summarise the last few days: I have gone from one extreme to another. I can't just have 3 meals a day. I have to go and have veg portions galore with a bit of chicken or fish. I then try to cut out sugar - every tiny morsel and I manage 1 day resulting in major headache and then the next day feel deprive and go binge. So, I have felt shite tonight, cried and realised what I'm doing. So, a sensible plan for tomorrow is scheduled: new museli which I bought today for breakfast; lunch is a cold cheese, mushroom and garlic toastie with a banana; tea is chicken and brown rice with mushrooms and butternut squash and hoisin and garlic sauce followed by melon and natural yoghurt. I am planning a bar of chocolate which I need to have with one of my meals so that will probably be lunch. One step at a time. Be realistic. Ring Sue tomorrow and my other fellow compulsive scoffers. Pray in the morning. Admit i'm powerless and ask for help.
Sunday, 20 January 2013
Sunday 18th January ... 6 days til i'm 45 !
I was awoken this Sunday morning with a call and I looked at it and thought mmm shall I answer because I didn't know if I wanted to part take in the day at that time. I'd gone to bed after a good day consisting of 2 meetings and a trip to Asda. The trip to Asda is where I spotted 2 choc n orange muffins on the reduce trolley. They were a bargain and they were in my basket quicker than shit flies off a shovel as the saying goes. I know if i buy 2 i will eat 2 the logical part of my brain says.... but they're cheap sooo cheap says the part of my brain that really wants the sugar that's in them.
The phone call from a man who said to me a couple of years ago "refined carbs have the same effect on the brain as alcohol did". I heard it. I was amazed. I wasn't ready to do anything about it. I forgot about it. I heard it again last year from his lips. I knew again it was the answer to sorting out my eating. Again I wasn't ready. I have been trying to have an eating plan for the last few months - cutting nothing out just eating 3 meals a day. I could still have cake, chocolate, biscuits........ all the things my mind tells me I want. However, I found myself looking forward to the meal where the sweet stuff resided. I have cut down and I have to some extent improved my eating - I haven't bought a pack of biscuits and eaten them in one sitting with one cup of tea (big cup of course for dunking) as often as I used to - last Monday was the last time. I bought them for a friend who was in hospital and i bought a packet for a meeting I was due to go to shortly after buying them. That 2nd packet did get eaten at the meeting by 4 of us. Everyone was too polite to eat the first one and I was sitting there looking at them waiting... so I picked them up and offered them round. So, the 1st packet for the friend in hospital never reached him. He came out Tuesday morning so I told myself I'll have them.
I had a couple of incidences where because I had reduced the sweet stuff, I felt like I had gone out and gotten drunk when I had some - there were 2 incidences and it freaked me out because I knew I hadn't had a drink. I rang a good lady in London who has the same problem as me and she said "it's the sugar. It's having the same effect as alcohol did.". Oh shit. My love affair with sugar is nearing its end. So all buoyed up I quit sugar and lasted two and 3/4 days. I caved in Friday night with a BIG bar of choc. I rammed it in, piece after piece like I would die if I didn't have it. Therein started the last two weeks of bad eating, cakes, biscuits, crisps, white baguettes, pasties/pies.....
I have been feeling worse as the week has gone on - fatter, more tired, routine slipping, disappointed with myself, why can't I just not eat this stuff.
The answer came again from the lips of the man who said it to me a few years ago "refined carbs can have the same effect as alcohol". And so it is with me. I believe. So, dring this conversation at 8.45 this morning which I nearly didn't have because I didn't really want to par take in the day (due to the effect this food has on me) I asked him if he knew where I could get research on brain chemistry. Quick as a flash he gave me some names and a number to get pointers to the research. It does exist.
So today is panning out to be better than I expected. I possibly would have had a lie in til 1 pm if it were not for that phone call and my better self answering it. I have eaten well: porridge and a nana, stir fry for lunch (bean sprouts, garlic, ginger, spinach and chicken) which was I have to say delicious. I have also eaten in effect my third meal which was bacon and mushroom bagel (wholemeal) which I was gagging to eat as I made it about an hour ago. I had a sweet ryvita to follow. As the day progresses though I know i'm going to be on the scavenge later. But feel quite content at this moment in time. Having this project gives me something to focus on and express my feelings.
The phone call from a man who said to me a couple of years ago "refined carbs have the same effect on the brain as alcohol did". I heard it. I was amazed. I wasn't ready to do anything about it. I forgot about it. I heard it again last year from his lips. I knew again it was the answer to sorting out my eating. Again I wasn't ready. I have been trying to have an eating plan for the last few months - cutting nothing out just eating 3 meals a day. I could still have cake, chocolate, biscuits........ all the things my mind tells me I want. However, I found myself looking forward to the meal where the sweet stuff resided. I have cut down and I have to some extent improved my eating - I haven't bought a pack of biscuits and eaten them in one sitting with one cup of tea (big cup of course for dunking) as often as I used to - last Monday was the last time. I bought them for a friend who was in hospital and i bought a packet for a meeting I was due to go to shortly after buying them. That 2nd packet did get eaten at the meeting by 4 of us. Everyone was too polite to eat the first one and I was sitting there looking at them waiting... so I picked them up and offered them round. So, the 1st packet for the friend in hospital never reached him. He came out Tuesday morning so I told myself I'll have them.
I had a couple of incidences where because I had reduced the sweet stuff, I felt like I had gone out and gotten drunk when I had some - there were 2 incidences and it freaked me out because I knew I hadn't had a drink. I rang a good lady in London who has the same problem as me and she said "it's the sugar. It's having the same effect as alcohol did.". Oh shit. My love affair with sugar is nearing its end. So all buoyed up I quit sugar and lasted two and 3/4 days. I caved in Friday night with a BIG bar of choc. I rammed it in, piece after piece like I would die if I didn't have it. Therein started the last two weeks of bad eating, cakes, biscuits, crisps, white baguettes, pasties/pies.....
I have been feeling worse as the week has gone on - fatter, more tired, routine slipping, disappointed with myself, why can't I just not eat this stuff.
The answer came again from the lips of the man who said it to me a few years ago "refined carbs can have the same effect as alcohol". And so it is with me. I believe. So, dring this conversation at 8.45 this morning which I nearly didn't have because I didn't really want to par take in the day (due to the effect this food has on me) I asked him if he knew where I could get research on brain chemistry. Quick as a flash he gave me some names and a number to get pointers to the research. It does exist.
So today is panning out to be better than I expected. I possibly would have had a lie in til 1 pm if it were not for that phone call and my better self answering it. I have eaten well: porridge and a nana, stir fry for lunch (bean sprouts, garlic, ginger, spinach and chicken) which was I have to say delicious. I have also eaten in effect my third meal which was bacon and mushroom bagel (wholemeal) which I was gagging to eat as I made it about an hour ago. I had a sweet ryvita to follow. As the day progresses though I know i'm going to be on the scavenge later. But feel quite content at this moment in time. Having this project gives me something to focus on and express my feelings.
Introduction to my compulsive eating blog
I have created this blog to accompany my Foundation Degree project on compulsive eating, something which is a bit of a problem for me. I'm a recovering alcoholic and this time 8 years ago I was in a treatment centre in Burton on Trent. I went in thinking my depression would be resolved, and I would come out slim and happy all in 16 weeks! Needless to say that didn't happen, but what did happen was the start of a journey of change for me which is on going hence this project.
During the past 8 years I have spent time recovering from the first 37 years of my life. What do I mean by that? I mean I have been learning to understand why I was the way I was, why I still continued to behave in the same way after a few months out of treatment (except I was doing it without a drink inside me) and what I could do to change. During this time, food has been my constant companion and as I'm trying to do something about it at the moment, I decided that my next project would be about this problem I have. For my final project on my Foundation Diploma I did my experience of alcohol addiction and I found it beneficial so I have decided to continue using my personal experience for this project.
Recently I have found myself recently glued to TV programmes such as Embarrasing Fat Bodies, A year to save my life, Supersize v Superskinny, Weight Loss Ward. I am shocked sometimes by what I see; I understand how I have put on weight and why I'm not losing it. I am so lucky that I was ready to be helped when I went into treatment for alcoholism because if I hadn't been I could still be going round in that vicious cycle of addiction.
One thing I find frustrating is that some of these people can't leave the house so who is feeding them? I would not go out and buy food for someone who is so fat they can't walk. It would be the same as me going to take alcohol to an alcoholic when I know it's going to kill them (eventually). I just would not do it. But I am now armed with knowledge of my own condition and understand and take action to change things. Whilst I was in the depths of alcohol addiction without any understanding of what was going on, I could not change. I can only think that this is the same for all those people on the programmes mentioned above.
For me now though, I need and want to change my eating. I have known for a few years that I've having food issues in the same way as I did alcohol but I have not been ready or willing to seriously do something about it. I've been looking for miracle cures and answers but I already have some of the knowledge. And that is .... to be continued......
During the past 8 years I have spent time recovering from the first 37 years of my life. What do I mean by that? I mean I have been learning to understand why I was the way I was, why I still continued to behave in the same way after a few months out of treatment (except I was doing it without a drink inside me) and what I could do to change. During this time, food has been my constant companion and as I'm trying to do something about it at the moment, I decided that my next project would be about this problem I have. For my final project on my Foundation Diploma I did my experience of alcohol addiction and I found it beneficial so I have decided to continue using my personal experience for this project.
Recently I have found myself recently glued to TV programmes such as Embarrasing Fat Bodies, A year to save my life, Supersize v Superskinny, Weight Loss Ward. I am shocked sometimes by what I see; I understand how I have put on weight and why I'm not losing it. I am so lucky that I was ready to be helped when I went into treatment for alcoholism because if I hadn't been I could still be going round in that vicious cycle of addiction.
One thing I find frustrating is that some of these people can't leave the house so who is feeding them? I would not go out and buy food for someone who is so fat they can't walk. It would be the same as me going to take alcohol to an alcoholic when I know it's going to kill them (eventually). I just would not do it. But I am now armed with knowledge of my own condition and understand and take action to change things. Whilst I was in the depths of alcohol addiction without any understanding of what was going on, I could not change. I can only think that this is the same for all those people on the programmes mentioned above.
For me now though, I need and want to change my eating. I have known for a few years that I've having food issues in the same way as I did alcohol but I have not been ready or willing to seriously do something about it. I've been looking for miracle cures and answers but I already have some of the knowledge. And that is .... to be continued......
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