It's been a week or so since my last update. I have been physically unwell (flu) and lost my appetite (bliss in one way!). I think I was actually hungry last week for the first time in a long time as I rarely go without food for more than a few hours. I started to think .... ooh this is a great start to me eating healthier. So on Monday I went out for lunch and had bacon buttie and then soup for tea. Not so healthy I agree but that would normally be followed by sweet stuff. Tuesday I again had a lovelly brown baguette with chicken, salad and no sweet stuff. All is well. I felt good. I did have a nagging feeling in my tummy area though and I just didn't know what it was. It wasn't hunger as I'd just eaten. About an hour after eating this lovelly healthy lunch with a decaf capucino, I said to my friend she could drop me at her house and I'd walk to the shop before I went home. It's snowing so I thought I'll get a magazine and snuggle up. My pattern I know is to get magazine(s) and something tasty and veg on the settee. And so I did. I bought a large bar of chocolate (the ones currently £1). I had a couple of squares and just didn't really get my usual pleasure. Did that deter me from scoffing the rest - absolutely NOT. I had another couple of squares and eat until it tasted like it usually does.
So what's going on? I was enjoying eating healthier for a few days. I got into and WORE a pair of trousers that I bought last year but that we were too tight on the waist. I FELT GOOD. But I continued to have this feeling in my stomach and it was there even when I'd just eaten or not long after. So, I eat healthy yesterday (had a hot pork roast dinner at college as I knew I was going out when I got home). Delicious. I didn't follow it up with anything sweet as I didn't feel I needed it.
I was though at this stage feeling uncomfortable and slightly paranoid about being in the company of a couple of people who i'd convinced myself didn't want me to sit with them during breaks...... What would an adult do in this situation I said to myself? I could ask them if I've done anything to offend them or I could just ask before I join them saying "do you mind if I join you". But no, I let it play on my mind, become independent at lunch time, avoiding sitting with them and then after college, go to M&S on the premise of getting a salad and after looking at the salad move swiftly to the bakery and pick up 3 reduced price scones, 1 lemon muffin and lemon tart (reduced) and some sushi (reduced). My no refined carbs is up the swanny and I tell myself I've had a hot lunch so one scone and jam will be fine for tea ! I just wanted the sugar but was still trying to tell myself to eat healthy. So I eat said scone with strawberry jam and then the muffin which was sickly sweet, followed by the reduced sushi. I then went off to my group only to find it wasn't on so asked my friend to stop off at the chip shop ........... I didn't enjoy the chips and even nearly said to my friend don't stop just keep going but the words stayed in my mouth. Had an uneventful night on the sofa doing a bit of homework, feeling not good for what i'd eaten.
I was thinking whilst sat in front of the TV last night - i'm having all this time to myself to be creative yet i'm sitting myself night after night in front of the box. WHY? Why am I so reluctant to start making things? What am I frightened off? Am I just lazy? Unmotivated? I don't know. But I do know I climbed back into bed this morning after turning off alarm number 2 knowing FULL WELL IT WOULDN'T BE A GOOD IDEA and then woke at 8.25 am. Starts my day off badly, without breakfast, missing the bus and feeling crap. Why am I not going on my bike to college? It's too cold. I spent a whole winter cycling to college last year so why am I so delicate this year????
No comments:
Post a Comment