9th May 10.45 pm

Have today handed in all but one piece of my written work and I feel a bit lost now it's gone!

I haven't posted an entry on the blog since April and that's because things have been improving (that's no excuse not to update it tho)

I have started attending 2 meetings for people with food problems like me - they are 12 step meetings.  I have accepted that I need to be there - I've given up telling myself I can control my food; I just won't buy this or that or the other but I end up buying it.   So I have acceptance over the fact that I have a problem - I've known I have a problem for a long time, but knowing and accepting are two different things.   One is intellectual the other is a feeling.

Have been financially more responsible and have got 2 JOBS !  I went for 2 interviews, and got both so have decided to give them both a go - one's being on "bank" staff i.e. as and when needed, the other I tell them when I can work (that's the theory anyway).   I need money for the summer so the jobs have come at the right time and I suspect that I won't be starting either til after 15th May so I should almost have finished my course work.    My aim is to get some money behind me for the first time in years (infact not since I was 30 and saved up for a deposit for my first house have I had money building up).  

Am I starting to face life as an adult?   Very possibly.   Am I eating 3 meals a day and no feed in between?   Not quite, but it's definitely improved.   There has been a shift in my head and I am 60/50 whether I pick up food to avoid dealing/feeling whereas a couple of months ago I would say it was 80/20.   I am continuing with my counselling which is helping me understand the way I react to life events and it also helping me understand why and this helps me then change my reaction next time.  My negative thinking is being worked on - the default and even subconscious thought process is becoming more positive and i'm noticing the negative self talk and am starting to challenge it. 

I have to keep doing it continuously for it to become normal.  It's like a habit ... a habit is deeply ingrained.  Infact anything we do repeatedly becomes a habit be it a good habit or a bad habit.  My job is to create some new good habits and by repeating the good ones I pray they become deeply ingrained and natural