Woke up this mornng and my first thought was the biscuits that I had left in the packet. Not a good start. I ate a good 3 meals yesterday but I threw in a packet of chocolate biscuits. As my hand went to reach for them on the shelf my head way saying "i need something to comfort me". I also knew that it was a bad idea though because I would not be able to stop after a couple. I started with 5 and a cup of tea (dunking). Then I stopped and was on/off the computer all night and popping in/out living room to watch the box but kept veering to the kitchen for another 2, and another 2. Didn't brush my teeth before going to bed and didn't do my step 10. I'm well "in the food" at the minute and I want out. I'm tired. Feel awful today. Body is craving and wants me to put something soothing in. I have 2 further meals planned today. Had shredded weight for brekkie and have home made soup and bread for lunch. For tea, got a friend round so having jacket spud, cheese and tuna and bit of stir fry veg. She is bring a pudding and she stated a healthy one so.....
Talked to a lady in London this morning who like myself is an alcoholic and a compulsive eater (in recovery from both for 30 years alcohol and 15 food). She seems to make contact just when I need it. What she said this morning makes sense and it's such a relief to know I'm not a weak willed greedy fat pig who is choosing this battle every day. As I type those last words, part of me is saying well you are choosing it and in a way I am because the pain of changing is unthinkable. Just like it was with alcohol I can't imagine a life where I don't eat chocolate, or biscuits or the odd pie or white french stick. That's it really. I can live with eating brown rice, brown pasta, brown bread. That's cemented and working. Yes, I'd like to eat a white bagette or garlic bread but again, life without them is bearable. But the thought of cake, chocolate or biscuits never passing my lips again is unthinkable. THAT SAID, today, I am going to have my remaining two meals and pudding whatever my friend brings. So JUST FOR TODAY I can do without those things.
I'm going to make a cake shortly for someone's birthday, so the remaining biscuits will crushed and melted into that cake. Then, once again I have no crap to eat in the house. Only nutritous stuff. Melon, bananas, natural yoghurt, almonds..... none of which I fancy bingeing on ! (funnily enough) that said I did chomp through a good bit of melon last night.
I have been doing more research the last few days, contacting people I know and looking at sugar and the effects on the brain. I have doubted again whether I'm doing the right subject here but I feel like i've gone too far with research to stop now. Part of me thinks it may actually be beneficial.
Anyway, need a brew now and going to crush up those biscuits and bake that cake. Bizarely enough I can bake a cake and not think of scoffing it. WHY? Because I hate butter - I see what ingredients go into my own cakes and think YAK i'm not putting that in my body.
1.55 pm body is crying out for food - i'm not hungry - but I have discomfort in my back, my arms and a heavy head. I've had a banana and a cup of tea and am praying. Have also rung a couple of people but couldn't get hold of them so will try later.
Whilst I was in the laundry a short time ago, I looked at a clothing label and had the idea of creating a label relating to my body i.e. 40% fat, 60%???? Will sketch something shortly.
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