So since my last update on Sunday I have had a massive headache which of course I thought was the onset of a brain tumour - just stopped short of ringing 999! Migraine (yesterday) and today the start of symptom of cystitus and I feel drained. Let me clarify....
Sunday, I got back to 3 meals which was my plan for the day. I also drastically (again) decided no sugar. As the day wore on a slight headache started. I spoke to my sponsor and she said I was going from one extreme to another i.e. I decided to cut out all sugar and got obcessed with making sure there is no hidden sugar. And this from not actually sticking to 3 meals a day plan for the previous week. So the headache got worse and i'd spent most of the day researching compulsive eating for my project. In bed and the pounding head was getting stronger. I thought it would ease if i went to bed but it got worse. Got up and popped a couple of pills but still the pounding persisted. I told myself in panic it was a brain tumour and if it didn't stop soon i'd be calling myself an ambulance. It is actually frightening to be ill when you live alone. But the pounding eased and I dozed off.
Yesterday, had my breakfast (bran flakes) sprinkled with a few chopped almonds. Went to the art group at YMCA for the first time. Brother Peter asked if I would go and do some textiles work with the people who come for the group - so pleased to be asked and enjoyed the morning. Met Fran for coffee at 1 pm and had lovelly cappucino and then soup (vegetable) which was sooo thick and a hot white roll. I should've asked for a brown one but just eat what I had. Anyway, I went back to pick up my bike and bits from the YMCA and headed home in the snow. Riding a bike in the snow is not recommended.
Arriving home, I shot straight out of the door again to go get some veg from the local shop as didn't want to go back into town to Aldi. No melons on sale that I I wanted (wanted honeydew) but got some garlic and one nana.
Went to the next shop down and picked up some brown rice. Went round the other aisle and my hand went straight to a boost bar. There was no debating in my head it was just I'm having that. I returned home with my boost and promptly sat down on the settee with a cup tea and scoffed it. Had that familiar aaaaah feeling with the first melt of the chocolate. Lounged in front of TV for the afternoon doing some homework in between. Doing my proposal for this project and started to doubt I should do it. That it would be too similar to my FMP. What would people think "oh she's off again with her addiction stuff". Bottom line though is i'm struggling with this and it's affecting my sobriety and peace of mind. I'm stuffing myself with food and then not feeling anything, not living in the moment, let alone the day, retreating into my head, not talking to people, isolating, using TV as an escape when I could be doing creative stuff, spending money til i've run out and feel miserable because I haven't got any. I'm powerless over food and my life is unmanageable. If I don't do something about it I run the risk of doing half a job on my course and not producing what I want to produce, becoming full of self doubt, paranoia, resentments.
Woke up this morning in time for my first ever Zumba class - like nothing I've ever done before. Felt a bit strange when I peed and wiped away some blood and though oh shit what's going on here. Think it's a bit of cystitus (have had a quick read on the internet) and guzzled loads of water and cranberry juice. Not sure what use the juice is though as it only has 25% cranberry in it !
Feeling very tired, had a cry earlier on talking to my sponsor as I've eaten compulsively again today. Breakfast was ok, lunch was ok. But then when at local shop bought 2 bars of choc. I actually wanted biscuits as well but refrained. Also got 2 magazines. Spending more money when I know I should not be. So, got home, scoffed the Flake, followed by the Dairy Milk washed down with cranberry juice. Madness, trying to sort out cystitus and shovelling non nutritional food in.
To summarise the last few days: I have gone from one extreme to another. I can't just have 3 meals a day. I have to go and have veg portions galore with a bit of chicken or fish. I then try to cut out sugar - every tiny morsel and I manage 1 day resulting in major headache and then the next day feel deprive and go binge. So, I have felt shite tonight, cried and realised what I'm doing. So, a sensible plan for tomorrow is scheduled: new museli which I bought today for breakfast; lunch is a cold cheese, mushroom and garlic toastie with a banana; tea is chicken and brown rice with mushrooms and butternut squash and hoisin and garlic sauce followed by melon and natural yoghurt. I am planning a bar of chocolate which I need to have with one of my meals so that will probably be lunch. One step at a time. Be realistic. Ring Sue tomorrow and my other fellow compulsive scoffers. Pray in the morning. Admit i'm powerless and ask for help.
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